Well I've been MIA for far too long. No particular reason - just generally apathetic about pretty much everything. Knowing that it's mostly those close to me who read my blog I self-censor my thoughts so as not to concern anyone. But that was never my intent when I started to blog - I wanted to keep everyone in the loop - not just the good loop but the whole loop. Somewhere along the way I unknowingly decided that no news was better - better for you out there and better for me not having to admit that I'm not the pillar of strength I've always been.
Not that there's any really bad news but I'm just plain old tired of this cancer gig. I'm tired of getting permission to live 4 weeks at a time and then 'we'll see'. I'm tired of side effect - burnt skin, numb fingers, thin skin, sore/stiff muscles and this fatigue that sabotages not only my body but my spirit . My tolerance level has diminished substantially for oh so many situations. I'm sad - this isn't the life I expected or want. I want to take a year off - to regroup, to revitalize, to quite taking meds, to remember what it was like to see light at the end of the tunnel. The only light I see is more of the same and I hate it. To plan things with gusto - without restrictions of time or strength or appointments. And then maybe with an attitude adjustment, I can just get on with the show. But right now I'm frustrated and pissed off - a phase I go thru from time to time - this is one of those times.
Now on my 9th round of chemo and its wearing me down - perhaps you figured that out!! This may be the last round of this treatment - my kidney function is deteriorating as the chemo is very hard on the kidneys and there are/were tumours on my kidneys. My tumour markers are no longer decreasing either over the last 3 rounds which is a sign that the drug is likely no longer working. Had a CT scan on Friday and will get the results in a week or so. I'll see Dr. K around mid-September after this round of chemo and see where we go from there. Since starting this cycle on Thursday my thumbs have stiffened up again and my neck muscles are so sore I can't turn my head - perhaps I shouldn't drive for a day or two until that settles down!!
Despite my temperment lately, the summer has brought many lovely days my way. A beautiful hot day lunching & catching for hours with my precious forever friends Karen & Roy was such fun. We go waaaayyyy back - getting close to 30 years now. I love you two so much! A day sitting in the shade with my Callanish Writes companions at Van Dusen Gardens sharing our words, our tears, our laughter and our collective joy at just being together. A day at Ladner market with my 'I' buying up fresh produce & bread in the 30 degree heat - she so rejuvenates my spirit! A BBQ at Rick's house to admire his garden full of organic greens - (even the tomatoes are still green!)and devour a most scrumptious meal of rotisserie chicken, burgers, hot dogs, salads and more - thanks buddy - most excellent. A fun day with Debbie in the valley viewing the Jade Buddha for Universal Peace (a magnificent statue made of gemstone quality jade that was found in north-west BC) followed by a drive out to Irene & Dave's since Deb hadn't ever been to their place -thanks for the informative tour of the property Davey!! A short visit and sleepover with Lulu - and a catchup on a 22 year-old philosophy - oh to be 22 again (but know what I know now!!) And yesterday a short sweet visit with my dear friend Christiane who celebrated her birthday with a small open house full of friends and family. So grateful to spend time with Chris as she is failing but still such a part of all that goes on within her world.
A visit to the island early this week to support my friend Cass whose dad (Jake)passed away shortly before I arrived last Sunday. No matter the age or the family dynamics losing a parent is a tough go and I'm glad that I was there to hold her up as best I could - another forever friend - 45 years.... take care of your heart my Cass. Even tho my time there was short as I had to get back for clinic appts on Wednesday I had some special time with Gordo and quick visits with the kids and grandkids. Hope to get back to Port in the next little while for a longer visit under sunnier circumstances.
And now... I'm going to make some salsa and sit on the deck and read. I promise to be back here soon!! FYI - the song I downloaded has absolutely nothing to do with what I've written - Prairie Oyster is just one of my favorite groups...
Rest easy Jake.
