Some days posting a blog seems easy enough - right up until I start to do it. So many thoughts in my head, some trivial, some not and then the turmoil begins. How do I go about articulating something meaningful when I'm not even sure what to write about. This blog started out well enough and it's not that I'm not motivated to write it's just that I want to write about the right thing. I want to be honest, to be cheerful, to share the positive and not make too big a deal about the negative. But the negative can be a really big deal - and even tho I can see it thru the lense of a comedy skit or better still.. a reality sitcom - living with MBC is arduous both physically and mentally.
Tomorrow I will be having a "Implantable Venous Access System" - better know in my circle as a port-a-cath - inserted. I've been procrastinating on this for quite some time for various reasons - like not being brave enough to handle all those needles. In fact the actual bravery part is the acceptance of what is good and necessary and helpful. Whenever I'm confronted with a change I feel like I'm slipping down the ladder a little bit more. The now of my life is no exception. This last week has been very trying - I've had a bone scan, monthly IV treatment for the bone mets and a CT scan. I also picked up my reports from last month and see that my tumour markers have jumped 14 points in 30 days. Not a good sign. They have been gradually going up since last year about this time but usually anywhere from 1 to max 5 points during any given month. I suspect there willl be some changes pretty soon in my treatment plan. And that is hard to wrap my head around. I will see my oncologist on Wednesday to put the pieces of this puzzle together - anxiety isn't over-rated right now.
Rest easy Mona
Marlene, I know exactly what you mean about posting on the blog. What I have finally discovered that works best for me, is to write from my heart, no matter what. And so I spew it all out - the good, the bad and the ugly. Sometimes, I am successful in presenting something humorous, and sometimes it is simply sad. Such is the nature of our disease.
ReplyDeleteAs for the port - I am confident that you will be happy with your decision to proceed with it. The procedure is quick, and you feel virtually nothing. More importantly, you SEE nothing, as they drape you! That was a huge bonus for me.
I see my oncologist next Wednesday (the 28th). One would assume that eventually, we could proceed to appointments with reduced anxiety, but I sure haven't figured out how to do that one yet!
Enjoy the rest of your day lovely lady! And good luck this week.
Oh Mar.... You are so brave honey. We ran the Terry Fox run today and I thought of you and your bsttle. You inspire so many! Love you tonnes my friend... Tamara
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