Despite my best intention to write thru my latest meltdown every time I sat down to write I couldn't get any words to flow. Lack of concentration, lack of motivation, an abundance of apathy and general malaise! Then there's always my anxiety of divulging how life really is for me as I head to the black hole of self-absorption, fear and a scarcity of self-compassion. These times seem to coincide with bouts of bugs that I seem to get thanks to my not-so-immune system - in this case another bout of cold/bronchitis. I was actually sick when I wrote my happy port-a-cath post but was obviously too excited to mention it.
Too many meds & too many trips to the doctor - both my GP and the clinic. I missed Thanksgiving - although I am grateful to my sister-in-law for sending me 2 turkey dinners and the best-I've-ever-had pea soup to pop in the freezer to be enjoyed when my appetite returned. I missed my best friend's 60th birthday party. I missed a very dear friend's Celebration of Life as well as one of my Callanish friends. I missed a writing class. I was grounded. Reading, TV, movies, laundry, naps - is this my life?? Too much thinking time. Not coping very well at all. I did get out of the house to get some radiation on my hip - that was the highlight.
So really is this my life I ask myself? Where is purpose, where is feeling useful, where are the positive thoughts and feeling of contentment that I used to have? See that's the problem when I have too much time - staying in the moment is so hard. Will I ever live a tranquil life? How do people do that anyway? If you know please pass on your info...
Now a week or so of feeling better and realizing - again! - that I'm a gal that needs a project to not only keep my mind occupied but to feel useful. And so I've offered my services to my Mets Support Group for a couple of things. There is a 'quiet room' on the patient floor of the clinic that needs a little TLC in creating a tranquil and peaceful space for patients and/or their families to spend some private time. Anyone who knows me knows this is my kind of endeavor! I should probably check to see if there's a budget.... The other project is pretty substantial but with the help of Sue - who unfortunately has had to join our club - we think we can pull it off. We want to create a website for the Metastatic Support Group - a resource guide of sorts - oh my my we have so many ideas! Now neither Sue or I have ever built a website but we each have our 'peeps' and will be looking for advice/guidance/expertise and whatever you have to offer. Any & all ideas are welcome - from the Mets Group and from my blogger friends. Of course Sue is going away this week and I'm going away for Christmas so don't be looking for it anytime soon!
I'm getting back on track and feeling better. The radiation treatment was no big deal - only one treatment was scheduled. Next is a 'Orthopantomography' to check out the jaw discomfort. Sounds a little unnerving but it's really just a panoramic 2-dimensional x-ray of my jaw.
What always keeps me safe when I sink below my surface is knowing that with the right amount of patience and the support of my network I always surface and the knowledge that there will always be sadness and gladness in my world - it's my responsiblity to keep the balance.
Rest easy Jill W.
Rest easy Jill M.
