Despite my best intention to write thru my latest meltdown every time I sat down to write I couldn't get any words to flow. Lack of concentration, lack of motivation, an abundance of apathy and general malaise! Then there's always my anxiety of divulging how life really is for me as I head to the black hole of self-absorption, fear and a scarcity of self-compassion. These times seem to coincide with bouts of bugs that I seem to get thanks to my not-so-immune system - in this case another bout of cold/bronchitis. I was actually sick when I wrote my happy port-a-cath post but was obviously too excited to mention it.
Too many meds & too many trips to the doctor - both my GP and the clinic. I missed Thanksgiving - although I am grateful to my sister-in-law for sending me 2 turkey dinners and the best-I've-ever-had pea soup to pop in the freezer to be enjoyed when my appetite returned. I missed my best friend's 60th birthday party. I missed a very dear friend's Celebration of Life as well as one of my Callanish friends. I missed a writing class. I was grounded. Reading, TV, movies, laundry, naps - is this my life?? Too much thinking time. Not coping very well at all. I did get out of the house to get some radiation on my hip - that was the highlight.
So really is this my life I ask myself? Where is purpose, where is feeling useful, where are the positive thoughts and feeling of contentment that I used to have? See that's the problem when I have too much time - staying in the moment is so hard. Will I ever live a tranquil life? How do people do that anyway? If you know please pass on your info...
Now a week or so of feeling better and realizing - again! - that I'm a gal that needs a project to not only keep my mind occupied but to feel useful. And so I've offered my services to my Mets Support Group for a couple of things. There is a 'quiet room' on the patient floor of the clinic that needs a little TLC in creating a tranquil and peaceful space for patients and/or their families to spend some private time. Anyone who knows me knows this is my kind of endeavor! I should probably check to see if there's a budget.... The other project is pretty substantial but with the help of Sue - who unfortunately has had to join our club - we think we can pull it off. We want to create a website for the Metastatic Support Group - a resource guide of sorts - oh my my we have so many ideas! Now neither Sue or I have ever built a website but we each have our 'peeps' and will be looking for advice/guidance/expertise and whatever you have to offer. Any & all ideas are welcome - from the Mets Group and from my blogger friends. Of course Sue is going away this week and I'm going away for Christmas so don't be looking for it anytime soon!
I'm getting back on track and feeling better. The radiation treatment was no big deal - only one treatment was scheduled. Next is a 'Orthopantomography' to check out the jaw discomfort. Sounds a little unnerving but it's really just a panoramic 2-dimensional x-ray of my jaw.
What always keeps me safe when I sink below my surface is knowing that with the right amount of patience and the support of my network I always surface and the knowledge that there will always be sadness and gladness in my world - it's my responsiblity to keep the balance.
Rest easy Jill W.
Rest easy Jill M.
Welcome back my friend! I love you always and forever. Remember that, I am the girl sitting on the other side of the teeter-tauter! Balance... a wonderful thought but not always achievable!! Cass
ReplyDeleteSo much of your post resonated with me! I think that much of the "feeling down" emotion is due to the change in seasons. For me, I am noticing more aches and pains, more fatigue, more dwelling in the dark places of my mind. But I know that this used to happen to me long before I knew that I was living with cancer, and that knowledge not only makes it okay, but also helps me to understand that this too shall pass!
ReplyDeleteI love the idea that you have a "purpose" through your upcoming projects. I personally believe the theory that "purpose" extends the lives of healthy and unwell people. Sounds exciting, and I wish that I could be there to lend a hand!
Hang in there Marlene. The sunny days are just around the corner. Take this time as a gift - a chance to rest and recharge your batteries so that you can be in peak performance when you begin your re-decorating and constructing the website (brilliant idea!).
Be kind to yourself, my friend. It is okay to miss classes and things - that is a part of life. Treat yourself to a nice cup of hot chocolate, tea, coffee, whatever it is you enjoy, sink into a comfy chair with a good book, and look after Marlene!
Cass - how many times over the years have you helped me back from the edge! Where would I be without you... scary thought my friend. xoxo
ReplyDeleteDear Audrey - I too dwelled in those dark places long before my cancer and agree that bleak weather can = bleak thoughts. Slow & steady tho. So today will be a kindness day - thanks to you I have cancelled a 4-hour car appt and have booked a massage instead in hopes of making my latest challenge better, then I will put the fire on, have a cuppa and who knows what! (I will try not to think tho!) So appreciate your support.
ReplyDeleteStay well my friend