Sweet Surrender

I was thinking back to my drama moment last Thursday when I started my first dose of the chemo pills. I looked at them and looked at them for 1 1/2 hours and just couldn't swallow them. It wasn't the actual pills that were the problem it was the significance of the action. It was a no turning back point. It was jumping off a cliff. It was dark and angry moment. And it was scary - because, as many of us know, what is necessary to keep this disease at bay brings with it physical limitations that take us one step further away from life as we know it. Sometimes temporary but you're never the same, it would be unrealistic to think that a body wouldn't have long-term effects from absorbing the toxic substance of chemo drugs.

I want my old life back.


And then finally.... acceptance and instead of a cliff I took a jump off the side of a boat into the clear calm warm and eternally blue water in the Mediterranean. Because at the end of the day, there's really not an option.

What the !&^*

Let me start by saying it hasn't been my best week. Busy but not the best. Wednesday's appointment turned out to be a very big disappointment. And so a new plan is now in place. Seems my tumour markers are up again and tamoxifen didn't seem to be doing the job so my oncologist has recommended a course of chemotherapy. Oral chemo yes but still chemo - chemo's chemo right? Shit. I like his attitude tho - let's get a handle on this now - I know I'm in good hands. The plan is to do this for 4-6 months and then hopefully go back on a hormone treatment. Time will tell. I've spent the last few days thinking "How did these changes happen so quickly - wasn't I paying attention?" but in fact it hasn't been that fast and I've always known that 'things' would change one day and now one day is here. So one step in front of the other ....

I've been told that I always have to have a project on the go and it's true!! This last year my project has been the with renovation committee of the strata. It's been a lot of work along with some frustration at trying to please 68 owners but I'm happy to say that the agreement with the contractor is signed and reno's will start March 1st. Personally I don't think a face-lift every 18 years is unwarranted - although not everyone agrees!! Out with the pink and green - in with a fresh and bright and crisp and unworn contemporary look!!

My friend Shirl arrived last night Palm Desert for a week and I am so very happy to see her - she couldn't have picked a better week to come home (she's a snowbird!). I have to admit I'm not the reason but I take what I can get. Her daughter will give birth on Monday to a new addition - and what's very exciting is that we don't know if it's a boy or girl yet - how often does that happen anymore. So I'll share her this week with her family and get to hold a new little baby as a bonus.

So looking forward to next week's 1/2 day writing retreat at Callanish surrounded by a community of amazing people including my sweet sister-friend Kirsten who initiated this series 2-years and 3-volumes ago. March will be the start of Callanish Writes IV series - another 8-week workshop for the brave! Writing is so good for what ails you...

Dear Friends

Today I learned of another friend's passing over this last weekend. How this type of news wears on me is beyond description but let me try. The sadness sits with me still and yet again for all the friends I have lost the past few years, and there has been far too many. But coupled with the sadness of losing those precious friends is the certainty that the time we spent together enriched both/all of our lives and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Balancing the dark and the light of life is sometimes more of a challenge than others.


This past weekend I had the privilege of sitting in a circle with a number of other writers from our Callanish Writes workshop in an extraordinary experience. We are such a brave group of people - you know who you are!! We came together for an afternoon with family and friends to read our poetry 'in public' for the first time. A very tender and amazing experience. I'm thinkin' we should take it on the road!! Maybe call it the 'Callanish Monologues' - it perhaps wouldn't be as funny as that 'other' monologue play from awhile back. Hmmmmmm....wonder what kind of crowd we'd attract??

I've treated myself very well the last week - a day retreat, a sleep-in pj day, Voices of Callanish, relaxation and meditation. Oh yes it's all about me! And I plan to keep it up.

I'm in hold mode right now waiting on tests results which I'll get next Wednesday. My feeling is that things are a little precarious right now what with the progression diagnosis, the changes in meds which of course seems to come complete with new side-effects - some of which I'm not sure are related to the meds at this point -and the question of whether or not the Tamoxifen is having any effect. I'll see my GP tomorrow and try to get to the bottom of a few things.

Rest easy Karen.

Various Veins

Yesterday I left Casa del Cancer giggling and chuckling over the antics of the day - not what normally happens on test day. You see I have no veins. Well of course I really do, they're just so deep and uncooperative that I'm sure the techs toss a coin to see who gets to poke me first. I'm ecstatic to report that yesterday was a one-poke day in both departments! Labwork first - no chairs available so I laid on a cot - maybe that helped, who knows - but one poke and it was done!! After gushing my gratitude to the tech she offered to be my own personal bleeder - complete with leeches if I so desired!! I did pass on that but we had quite the cartoon going on. Then off to my scan and - one poke and it was done. While they were setting up, being my helpful self, I started to raise my arms when the tech threatened me!! Oh yes she did - she told me that if that damn needle came out I could re-insert it myself!! Well as you can imagine that turned into a comedy routine as well. Yup - they know me in that department.

On another vein, I had the most lovely weekend in Victoria with my sister - such a treat for us to get some 1-on-1 time. Not that it was all 1-on-1 but what we had was great. It my niece's birthday so we shopped and ate and shopped and ate and slept and laughed. I love Victoria and all it's trees and buildings - even in the rain.

And on another vein, I bought a new laptop with Windows 7 and am wondering if I'll ever get this sorted out. I'm so not technical and my frustration level has been rapidly rising. Still have to get my old laptop 'de-virused' before I can access some documents but I just want to play with my new toy.

Tomorrow is my treat day - a day retreat at Callanish. I am so very ready for that -the last couple of months have been difficult and sad for so very many reasons and to sit with the Callanish community is the best medication I can get.

Positive Thinking .... or Realism

At the Mets Support Group yesterday we had a discussion on the power of positive thinking, a concept that has been around certainly since I was young and naive. Which led me to thinking about how I think... and it's complicated. I don't believe anyone has just 'one' way of thinking, life happens and it's just simply not all good. What I do believe though is that - for me - positive thinking is my base for how I handle and react to my life. Call me Pollyanna if you will but right after you call me that you must also call me a realist. I like to think that for most part people are good and generous and kind, that you get what you give and that it's way easier to be kind and happy than sad or angry or mean.

So given my latest test results, I'm getting back on track to 'positive' - and no, not that "It's so wonderful that the results weren't THAT bad" kind of positive. It's more of a "Well things are changing but I'm still in pretty good shape for the shape I'm in" kind of positive. But I'm also a realist - I know my road is going to get bumpy and this is a new and unwanted phase. Just to clarify I am in no way 'giving up' - so not my style - but I also don't have my head in the sand.

I hate cancer, I hate everything it does, not only to the individual but to the families and friends who love and support and walk alongside those of us who deal with this disease. I hate that people suffer and die. I hate that children are left without a parent, that people lose their partners, that families lose their sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, mothers, father, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins or grandparent - I hate it all. But I have to live with this disease and while it might take over my body - it will never, ever take over my mind or my spirit.

I have lost so many friends over these past 4 years and it's hard. What sits in my heart is just profound sadness that this is happening - to me, to so many of my friends and to so many people I don't know.

Rest easy Zoe.

Midnite Cancer Part II

Well obviously I have a lot to learn here - like how to open the edit window. But all in good time.

I've been in this 'Midnight Cancer' (thank you Mary Bradish O'Connor) phase now for a couple of weeks. Since my last oncology appt matter of fact. Which I went to alone. Like a silly person. I knew something was up at my October appointment and in retrospect should have asked Irene to come with me. She is the other part of my brain - my sister, my best friend, my confidant, my rock and certainly would have had better retention that I did. But I asked the hard questions last week and now have a better grip on my new reality. Progression. Please say it isn't so. There's still different drugs to try but the term chemotherapy did come up. I did that back in 1992 thank you very much - I'll pass on that as long as I can. Trying to stay connected to now and not imagining my future is hard right now - but I'll get back on track. That's how I am and what I do - I'm just no good in the unknown - I'm more of a black and white girl.

Midnite Cancer

Why 4 in the morning seems like a good time to start a blog is beyond me. But rather than exercising by throwing the covers off and then on - again and again and again - and trying to settle my mind I decided to throw caution to the wind and actually do it. Not much else going on at this particular time of day.

And why four years, 7 months and 21 days post-diagnosis seems to be a time to start blogging is also a mystery. But the times they are a'changing.