Decadence

It's pretty decadent to have someone clean your house while you sit at your computer and read blogs doncha think?? Especially when you're single, your cat isn't that messy and you're in relatively good health!! There's about to be an upheaval tho - I'll have to move to the living room soon so she can clean my office.... oh Jen how I adore you!

I'm throwing all my everything behind my beautiful friend Kirsten who is having a very very hard time of it lately... she is struggling to get some serious issues under control. And to my fabulous friend Jeanne who has embarked on another ride with chemo - Jeanne - this blue is for you!

There's such a feeling of helplessness when I see these two magnificent people going thru the all the shit that is cancer when they have both already endured more than they should have to. Or anybody should have to. It's that simple. Figure this - you're sick, you've got cancer - and the answer to that is.... let's make you sicker - sicker than you already are - with the goal to make you well again. Please somebody somewhere someday soon - discover an easier way for those in treatment to reach that goal...

It's a musical kinda weekend for me. Tonight - well I'm just beside myself! Tonight I will spend a couple of hours in the company of my not-so-secret inamorata - Kris Kristofferson - he's probably the only one who doesn't know! Sexy, talented, handsome, crazy, funny and a poet for all seasons - I was smitten by that man many years ago. Yup - I could just sit and look at and listen to him all day long but I'll settle for a front(ish) row center seat and gaze longingly up at him with the ridiculous notion that he'll notice me and ask me back-stage to chat!! A girl can dream. And then tomorrow 'Grease' the musical at the QE Theatre. How much fun - I've seen the movie several times but never live so really looking forward to it.

I'm finally feeling better after a two-week bout of bronchitis along with a very bad cold which not only knocked me off my feet but put me in emergency for a day. Breathing was quite a problem as was trying to talk and laughing was definitely out of the question. Didn't experience the great outdoors for almost two weeks other than my oncology appt and missed out on what I know would have been a fabulous evening with my friends Merv & Anne from Kelowna. Feeling crappy from the bronchitis overroad feeling crappy from the chemo - hurray for Prednisone! I'm a few days into my two weeks off from chemo and hope to have my strength back before the next round.

Stay well my friends...

Early Morning Ramblings...

4:30 AM - my eyes slammed open and I knew... just knew this was going to be a long day! Explain to me how I can sleep till 11am one day and 4:30am the next - whatever happened to to a good solid 8 hours? Too much thinking time getting up this early. So how about a blog post? Of course now most of those thoughts have dissolved or become murky in my mind but these are the leftovers.....

Random Thoughts:

1. Re-evaluate the way I post - I don't write for days or weeks or sometimes even longer and then a long rambling post - I'm going to attempt more regular shorter postings - maybe even lighten up - no promises tho..
2. What about my 'Bucket List"? What do I want to do before I die - not that I'm dying anytime soon I'm happy to say. But.... you gotta watch out for the bus!
3. My failing memory - is it chemo or is it age or is it laziness? My brain just feels broken these days - i need some mental stimulation.
4. Annie really needs to get her winter hair-cut. So do I.
5. Do I want to travel? Or do I just think I should? What's wong with staying in my comfort zone? Just cuz my friends & family are going to warm, sunny, exciting places...
6. Should I trade in my Honda for an Altima?
7. How much brown sugar can you put on your oatmeal before it becomes unhealthy??

My medical update is pretty much status-quo. Now on my 13th round of chemo and while the it appears it's keeping the cancer at bay, the biggest concern now is my deteriorating kidney function. Seems a tumour is blocking my right kidney and something needs to be done. I'll have to have a stent inserted, probably in the next few months, to save the kidney but for now we're just going month-by-month. Not a temporary situation - I'll have to have the stent changed every 8-10 weeks forever so stalling until just before I get into any serious trouble seems to be the way to go on that one! Aaaaaaraghhhh!

Missed the last two Callanish Writes classes because of a cold/bronchitis for the last 10 days. Excited for our next writing circle. Sending loving positive thoughts to my darling sister-friend Kirsten (and CW facilitator) who is having a pretty rough go of it lately - I' hoping we both make the Nov 2nd session.

I'm off to do my important job today - a manicure/pedicure - wishing you all a good day!

My Painting Experience...

Well I did it... I went, I painted and I had fun. Well for the most part anyway. Anxiety over the whole weekend almost paralysed me starting with the border using my Nexus pass for the first time - irrationally fearing that I would say something that would end in my getting schackled and thrown out of the US forever... but the nice fella said - Is it just you in the vehicle (duh!!), I said yup (probably said Yes Sir) and he said 'have a good day' - easy-peasy. Now to find my chosen B & B in Capital Hill. Where?? I've only ever stayed in downtown Seattle but my in a moment of bravery I said to myself if I'm going to be brave let's jump in with both feet - never been on a painting workshop (cuz I'm not a 'painter') and never stayed in a B&B. The Shafer Baillie Mansion was magnificent - amazingly restored in every detail, in a neighborhood of other old and beautiful homes on streets lined with colossal towering trees unfolding the exquisite colors of fall. Having said that, I think I'm more of a 'hotel' kinda gal although if I was travelling with someone else I may feel different - not totally discounting staying in a B&B again.

The Painting Experience was .... well quite an experience!! Fortunately I've had much Callanish 'training' in the areas of deep breathing, staying in the moment and acknowleding my inner critic!! This workshop embraces the idea of exploring your personal experience by putting brush to paper - without judgement, without right or wrong, and without any commentary from other participants. A practice I find very liberating. To peel the layers of your own onion so to speak. Although I didn't know it when I started out Friday night, the next 2 days were spent creating and putting color to the heavy load of sadness I've been carrying this last few months. And it was cathartic.. and not without a little humour I might add!! I learned a lot about the 'act' of painting and may now be inclined to break out my paint & brushes at home - and no... you can't see my work!

Trying to get back to to where I was staying was a nightmare - I got lost all three days. First night I ended up out at the Seattle Port on Hwy 99 - felt like I was almost in Olympia - that night it took just over an hour to find my way back. Saturday night in the pouring pounding rain I ended up in the University area - where to my delight there was a football game happening with more roadblocks, cars, people and police than I have ever see in one place. Saturday night get-back time was 1 hour and 45 minute - including 5 minutes on the side of a street having a meltdown. Sunday I had a plan - if I couldn't find my way the first time - and I didn't - the plan was to go right into downtown and get on I-5 North and find the right exit from the freeway - which I did and spent only a brief 40 minutes getting back to where I started. Not bad considering Fremont is only 15 minutes from where I was staying. Perhaps a GPS is in order....

Anyway after a mini-shop at Nordstrom's I headed home. My angst at crossing the border - this time with purchases over the limit - started to close in... OMG ... handed the gal my declaration slip and she says 'Have a nice day' - perhaps I should paint thru my paranoia!! Home safe, sound and very very tired.. feet up today - that's my plan - no GPS required.

Stay well everyone.

Rest easy Diane.

She loved blue..

Christiane loved blue ... navy, sea-blue, turquoise, sapphire, teal and any other shade you can think of. She also loved green ....blue-green, jade, forest, sea-green, kelly and any other shade you can imagine. She loved scarves. She loved color as evidenced by her lovely cozy home. She loved Ellie. She loved hats. She loved her family and she loved her friends. She loved God. She loved to live. She was a great 'hugger'. Christiane - a soft-spoken, unpretentious woman with eyes that looked right to you and a smile worth a million dollars. Chris passed away on Wednesday morning at home enveloped by the love of her Ellie and her mom. I said my adieu to her on her 49th birthday celebration a couple of weeks ago, knowing that her time was very near. In our community we brace ourselves for these times, not knowing when and wishing never again. And my spirit snaps and the tears and anger come. Despite the heartache and sadness I could not be without my community, without the many hours of holding up, shoring up, comforting, laughing, eating, writing, meditating, appreciating what is and trying somehow to make sense of our worlds.. each so different but for the commonality that brought us together.



And so I have decided that in honor of Christiane I will take the brave leap and attend the Painting Workshop in Seattle Oct 8-10 and I will paint in blues and greens and yellows and oranges and every shade therein. For her .. and for me. I need some color in my world.. so thank you Chris for inspiring me one more time!

Rest easy Christiane

Some days are diamonds... some days are stone

Sweet September. My favorite time of year - like New Year's - only earlier! I do better in the cooler months for some reason, this year the heat was especially hard on me. But I love the cooler temperatures, I'm more inclined to be outdoors and life just seems more settled. Even though it has been centuries since I went to school, this feeling clearly goes back to the excitement of the unknown of the new school year. And just to make it all the more real, I bought myself a couple of new school outfits yesterday! And the best part of that is, because my body temp is generally in the upper end of the scale now, I get to buy summer clothes at ridiculously low sale prices and wear them all winter!

This last couple of weeks has been very hard on my heart with the passing of some people very dear to my heart. My dear friend Raymond passed gently into the early morning hours last Tuesday and while I mourn his loss, it cannot possibly parallel the loss to his partner Justin. Raymond was a delight in my life although we didn't know each other well or very long. But we had that Callanish connnection and with that we were able to absorb the deep, the light, the love and the laughter that is common within our community. Because of the situation most of us find ourselves in we tend to forego the time restraints of social niceties and just get down to heart of the matter -the friendship, the support, the real relationship part. Time is not something we take for granted in our community. Raymondo and I met at a Callanish Writes series last year which seemed to be a very liberating endeavor for him - he wrote some truly honest and heartfelt prose/poetry. And so to you Raymond there will be no more midnight cancer and for this I am grateful.

And dear sweet Grandma Mary - how you will be missed by your family. My sister-in-law's mum passed away quiety and softly on Friday morning - no matter the age it is difficult. I will so miss seeing Mary at all our family gatherings - you could always count on her to be there and hold court! I will miss reminding her that I'm Robert's sister and listening to her stories. I will miss seeing the love and pride in her eyes when she looked at her family - children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren and will miss the seeing the kids tend to you with such love and affection and the teasing banter between you and them - a condition inherent to the well-being of the Mills clan.!

Finished my chemo last Wednesday so on the upswing for a week or two - just wish my feet and hands were in better shape... oh yeh and my memory!! Next checkpoint - Sept 15th. Considering whether or not to attend The Painting Experience workshop ://http//www.processarts.com/ in Seattle in October. I registered for a class last year but couldn't make it so I do have a deposit with them - but am I brave enough - that's the question. And three days away from my sanctuary?? Step off the ledge Mar!! Callanish is offering Restorative Yoga classes starting next week - so looking forward to that. And then..... Callanish Writes V starts in October - I loooovvve those classes. So in general trying to decide what to keep myself busy with as the long sunny days turn to cooler autumn days and longer nights... which means I can go bed when it's dark rather than when it's light out!!

Today may well be the last of our sunny days for this week so I'll head to my deck which is sunny with a lovely breeze right now and get started on The Girl Who Played With Fire - 2nd book of this series by Stieg Larsson and I can't stop reading!!

Rest easy Raymondo
Rest easy Mary
Rest easy Dave

M.I.A.

Well I've been MIA for far too long. No particular reason - just generally apathetic about pretty much everything. Knowing that it's mostly those close to me who read my blog I self-censor my thoughts so as not to concern anyone. But that was never my intent when I started to blog - I wanted to keep everyone in the loop - not just the good loop but the whole loop. Somewhere along the way I unknowingly decided that no news was better - better for you out there and better for me not having to admit that I'm not the pillar of strength I've always been.

Not that there's any really bad news but I'm just plain old tired of this cancer gig. I'm tired of getting permission to live 4 weeks at a time and then 'we'll see'. I'm tired of side effect - burnt skin, numb fingers, thin skin, sore/stiff muscles and this fatigue that sabotages not only my body but my spirit . My tolerance level has diminished substantially for oh so many situations. I'm sad - this isn't the life I expected or want. I want to take a year off - to regroup, to revitalize, to quite taking meds, to remember what it was like to see light at the end of the tunnel. The only light I see is more of the same and I hate it. To plan things with gusto - without restrictions of time or strength or appointments. And then maybe with an attitude adjustment, I can just get on with the show. But right now I'm frustrated and pissed off - a phase I go thru from time to time - this is one of those times.

Now on my 9th round of chemo and its wearing me down - perhaps you figured that out!! This may be the last round of this treatment - my kidney function is deteriorating as the chemo is very hard on the kidneys and there are/were tumours on my kidneys. My tumour markers are no longer decreasing either over the last 3 rounds which is a sign that the drug is likely no longer working. Had a CT scan on Friday and will get the results in a week or so. I'll see Dr. K around mid-September after this round of chemo and see where we go from there. Since starting this cycle on Thursday my thumbs have stiffened up again and my neck muscles are so sore I can't turn my head - perhaps I shouldn't drive for a day or two until that settles down!!

Despite my temperment lately, the summer has brought many lovely days my way. A beautiful hot day lunching & catching for hours with my precious forever friends Karen & Roy was such fun. We go waaaayyyy back - getting close to 30 years now. I love you two so much! A day sitting in the shade with my Callanish Writes companions at Van Dusen Gardens sharing our words, our tears, our laughter and our collective joy at just being together. A day at Ladner market with my 'I' buying up fresh produce & bread in the 30 degree heat - she so rejuvenates my spirit! A BBQ at Rick's house to admire his garden full of organic greens - (even the tomatoes are still green!)and devour a most scrumptious meal of rotisserie chicken, burgers, hot dogs, salads and more - thanks buddy - most excellent. A fun day with Debbie in the valley viewing the Jade Buddha for Universal Peace (a magnificent statue made of gemstone quality jade that was found in north-west BC) followed by a drive out to Irene & Dave's since Deb hadn't ever been to their place -thanks for the informative tour of the property Davey!! A short visit and sleepover with Lulu - and a catchup on a 22 year-old philosophy - oh to be 22 again (but know what I know now!!) And yesterday a short sweet visit with my dear friend Christiane who celebrated her birthday with a small open house full of friends and family. So grateful to spend time with Chris as she is failing but still such a part of all that goes on within her world.

A visit to the island early this week to support my friend Cass whose dad (Jake)passed away shortly before I arrived last Sunday. No matter the age or the family dynamics losing a parent is a tough go and I'm glad that I was there to hold her up as best I could - another forever friend - 45 years.... take care of your heart my Cass. Even tho my time there was short as I had to get back for clinic appts on Wednesday I had some special time with Gordo and quick visits with the kids and grandkids. Hope to get back to Port in the next little while for a longer visit under sunnier circumstances.

And now... I'm going to make some salsa and sit on the deck and read. I promise to be back here soon!! FYI - the song I downloaded has absolutely nothing to do with what I've written - Prairie Oyster is just one of my favorite groups...

Rest easy Jake.

A Little Catch-up

Just made the perfect latte ..mmmmm - love Sunday mornings. Not that I don't make latte's other days, they're just more delicious on a Sunday morning. And Ludovico Einaudi on my Ipod.. more delicious still.. I love Sundays! Listening to Eden Roc makes me think of Maryliz which makes me think of The Spacious Heart concert. What an evening. Made a date with my very dear friend Colleen to attend this concert at the Museum of Anthropology to listen to the world class delights of Maryliz, Lorna, Joan and Ariel - magical. With the ocean view backdrop, the loving friends, the inspiring invocation and the spoken words of Janie, Daphne & Kirsten I left with my heart full and another Callanish memory to treasure.

On the health front things are okay - not perfect but not bad. The fatigue is still a problem - one which I'm obviously going to have to accept, my hands seem to be getting the brunt of the burning from the chemo- fingertips swollen and getting number all the time and so red & tingly. I had an extra week off from the chemo again to recover a bit more but am now on another 2-week cycle. Tumour markers appear to be stabilizing - is that good or bad?? Little hurts and worries. Today my problem is swelling of the thumb pad and stiff thumbs - what's that about and where did it come from.. I'll see where it's at tomorrow. Back on antibiotics - this time with a sinus infection - I might as well stay on anti-b's for the rest of my life!! Was down with a cold for a week or so. Still doing the Pamidronate injections once a month. Last week I was in a room with a chatty guy who is such an over-achiever about his cancer - it was bizarre listening to him - but we all cope as best we can with this lousy disease.

What else?? Well my darling Danielle graduated with her Bachelor of Business Administration earlier this month. I am such a proud auntie - she has worked sooo hard the last 5-6 years working full-time and school part-time to accomplish this and now... on to her CMA. My sister and niece left for England yesterday and I so want to be with them but... Tracy said if I came they would just set me up in the shade of one of the beautiful parks for the day with a good book and they would come by and get me when they got home from their daily adventures... Perhaps I'll just step out onto my deck - it's way less expensive!