A New Year Begins..

And so 2011 arrives... 365 days of new memories to make and cherished memories to reminisce about. Who knows what this year will bring for any of us? My wish for all of you is a year of peace, health and contentment - in all that you do and for all that surrounds your world and your families.

As I write it is a beautifully crisp day outside my window with birds chirping and blue sky as far as I can see - a memory I hope will come to mind on those rainy dreary days to come. These types of days remind me of growing up in Kelowna when the winters were soooo cold but so beautiful, when we could skate on the lakes and run & slide down the iced roads on our boots - when being outside when it snowed was just fun!

I've had a particulary difficult time this year being in the holiday spirit. Maybe lack of energy, maybe the excessives of the world during this time, maybe this, maybe that, I just haven't been 'feelin' it'. So quiet it was - family was the ticket. My favorite gift this year was a visit with my Chad - he drove us out to my sisters on Christmas Day for dinner and I had him all to myself for 2 hours - a luxury and a memory to cherish for the coming year. He's a busy lad so don't see him as much as I would like to! Fabulous family time over Christmas & Boxing days and then home to rest up and relax. An amazing New Year's Eve dinner cooked by my ever so wonderful friend Deb and home by 8:30 - perfect! Then yesterday we went to the Festival of Lights at Van Dusen Botanical Gardens - it was an amazing display of dancing lights, thru Candy Cane Lane, Gingerbread Wood and the Golden Chain Walk - a perfect albeit chilly evening to walk the grounds.

December in general wasn't my best month of 2010. I took a fall early in the month and hurt my leg pretty bad; that seemed to lead to some problems and I landed in emergency with what they thought might be a blood clot in my leg - thankfully it wasn't. Still don't know what it was so I'm classifying it as 'Just one of those things' for now. Then on December 23rd I had to put my little Annie down - everthing happened so fast with no warning - took her to the vet on the 21st where she was diagnosed with a very poor prognosis of kidney cancer - she hadn't displayed any real signs of being sick until Sunday when I found a lump on her left side but from then she went downhill very fast. My heart is broken and I miss her.

Healthwise things are as they are. Had a scan last Friday and see my oncolgist on Tuesday. Not sure what that visit will bring as my tumour markers are creeping up a bit but am hopeful that I will get a couple more months from the oral chemo. I'll be talking to him about some new aches and pains that have come up this last month or so as well - I like to think they are just delayed side effects but best to be sure.

Resolutions?? Not me - way too much pressure! Instead I have a 'Maybe List' and in no particular order here are some of the things I may do this year: maybe paint more, draw more, start a yoga class (again!), walk at least 2-3 times a week, maybe eat better, maybe spend more time with friends and stop being such a recluse, maybe go somewhere warm in Feb/Mar, blog on a more regular basis, and for those who really know my bad habits (and for those who don't!!) - maybe stop smoking Maybe do some volunteer work - maybe not. Maybe just spend the year being the best I can be - that seems not only the easiest but also the least stressful!!

To all my friends, supporters, readers, and to my family - I wish you everthing wonderful this year and always - you all mean so very much to me.



Rest easy Annie...

For the love of Jeanne..

My wonderful, spirited, funny and determined friend Jeanne left our world in the midst of peacefulness and contentment on December 19th. An amazing girl by all descriptions - I learned so very much from Jeanne over the too few years I knew her. She had an incredibly open heart, wouldn't judge an ant, huge compassion for herself and others, loved the great outdoors and everything in it and from what I understand played a mean game of euchre! And funny... we shared the same unbalanced sense of humour!! So many laughs and quite a few routines Jeanne & I... and of course Jeanne in her own right. And let's not forget how she loved to dance.. and dance.. and dance.

Jeanne and I sat in many Callanish circles together - on two retreats, three Callanish Writes series and many meditation days. The depth of her writing contradicted what passion could be held in such a little body - each word carefully chosen as the truth of her spirit. Jeanne's passing leaves a hole in my heart at the same time as I appreciate how much I received from her. I am a better person for knowing Jeanne - she was truly a "Phenomenal Woman"...



Rest easy Jeanne...

A Gift to Me

I used to be a great Christmas shopper, loving to buy things I wanted others to have - I could always find the funny, the odd, the weird and sometimes what people wanted but not always! I loved the evenings wrapping gifts with a glass of wine and my cat trying to undo what I was doing and chomping on the ribbon. Wrapping bottles in socks, money given in rolls of coin, small gift = large box and my favorite - wrapping itty-bitty stocking treats individually! Over the years as 'my kids' get older shopping has became about what they might need not necessarily what I think they should have. So we've gone from plastic tool belts & dumptrucks and dolls & games & glittery makeup to fundamentals - excellent for them - not as much fun for me. Mind you there are traditions I just cannot break and those gift will go on for eternity!!

One of my traditions over the last several years is a 'Gift Card' from World Vision. Over the years our family has given the gifts of mosqito nets, roosters & hens, cozy blankets, textbooks, wood-burning stoves and fruit trees among others. These are life-changing gifts for other less fortunate children and/or communities and a beautiful thought to hold on Christmas morning amid the laughter, the gift opening and the sheer joy of being with your family. http://www.worldvision.ca/

So the gift to myself this year is John Paul Tuyizere from Rwanda - my latest World Vision sponsored child. Look at that face and those eyes - how could I not bring him into my heart? He's 6 years old and within the next two weeks he will learn from WV that he will be able to attend school and get medical attention until he's 18 years old - a life changing situation for him and for me as I get his updates and watch this little boy grow up.

Today's post is reading like a World Vision promotion but it's not - it's just something I do and feel like somehow I am making a change in this world of ours however small.

Stay well my friends

What to do??

Pretty much every day I look at this lonely little blog that just wants to be loved and wonder what am I going to do with it. When I started to blog it seemed like such an easy thing - just a note or two every couple of days or so, a little this, a little that with the odd rant thrown in. But you know it's just not that easy and my life just isn't that exciting nor am I a particularly fascinating person - in fact my life can be downright boring and uneventful!

There's a certain quality of 'nothingness' to my life that I really quite love lately - a kind of quiet shuffle through the days and weeks. A freedom from all the chaotic years of working, doing and being. I deserve this! And so maybe just to write about the mundane is the key - most of life I think is mundane but it's what you see and appreciate about the mundane (did I mention mundane??). Because at the end of the day you just don't know how what you say or what you do will affect the world around you or the world within you. And there is a point to everything we do.. sometimes we simply don't know what that might be. My world is filled with amazing people that I cherish even tho I may not see them on a regular basis and is also filled with much love and laughter. If that defines mundane I'll take it any day.

And so I'm back on the blog - it just might read a little differently now. Next quandry... to keep the Ipod or not??

Rest easy Diane..
Rest easy Jacqui..

Stay well my friends

Decadence

It's pretty decadent to have someone clean your house while you sit at your computer and read blogs doncha think?? Especially when you're single, your cat isn't that messy and you're in relatively good health!! There's about to be an upheaval tho - I'll have to move to the living room soon so she can clean my office.... oh Jen how I adore you!

I'm throwing all my everything behind my beautiful friend Kirsten who is having a very very hard time of it lately... she is struggling to get some serious issues under control. And to my fabulous friend Jeanne who has embarked on another ride with chemo - Jeanne - this blue is for you!

There's such a feeling of helplessness when I see these two magnificent people going thru the all the shit that is cancer when they have both already endured more than they should have to. Or anybody should have to. It's that simple. Figure this - you're sick, you've got cancer - and the answer to that is.... let's make you sicker - sicker than you already are - with the goal to make you well again. Please somebody somewhere someday soon - discover an easier way for those in treatment to reach that goal...

It's a musical kinda weekend for me. Tonight - well I'm just beside myself! Tonight I will spend a couple of hours in the company of my not-so-secret inamorata - Kris Kristofferson - he's probably the only one who doesn't know! Sexy, talented, handsome, crazy, funny and a poet for all seasons - I was smitten by that man many years ago. Yup - I could just sit and look at and listen to him all day long but I'll settle for a front(ish) row center seat and gaze longingly up at him with the ridiculous notion that he'll notice me and ask me back-stage to chat!! A girl can dream. And then tomorrow 'Grease' the musical at the QE Theatre. How much fun - I've seen the movie several times but never live so really looking forward to it.

I'm finally feeling better after a two-week bout of bronchitis along with a very bad cold which not only knocked me off my feet but put me in emergency for a day. Breathing was quite a problem as was trying to talk and laughing was definitely out of the question. Didn't experience the great outdoors for almost two weeks other than my oncology appt and missed out on what I know would have been a fabulous evening with my friends Merv & Anne from Kelowna. Feeling crappy from the bronchitis overroad feeling crappy from the chemo - hurray for Prednisone! I'm a few days into my two weeks off from chemo and hope to have my strength back before the next round.

Stay well my friends...

Early Morning Ramblings...

4:30 AM - my eyes slammed open and I knew... just knew this was going to be a long day! Explain to me how I can sleep till 11am one day and 4:30am the next - whatever happened to to a good solid 8 hours? Too much thinking time getting up this early. So how about a blog post? Of course now most of those thoughts have dissolved or become murky in my mind but these are the leftovers.....

Random Thoughts:

1. Re-evaluate the way I post - I don't write for days or weeks or sometimes even longer and then a long rambling post - I'm going to attempt more regular shorter postings - maybe even lighten up - no promises tho..
2. What about my 'Bucket List"? What do I want to do before I die - not that I'm dying anytime soon I'm happy to say. But.... you gotta watch out for the bus!
3. My failing memory - is it chemo or is it age or is it laziness? My brain just feels broken these days - i need some mental stimulation.
4. Annie really needs to get her winter hair-cut. So do I.
5. Do I want to travel? Or do I just think I should? What's wong with staying in my comfort zone? Just cuz my friends & family are going to warm, sunny, exciting places...
6. Should I trade in my Honda for an Altima?
7. How much brown sugar can you put on your oatmeal before it becomes unhealthy??

My medical update is pretty much status-quo. Now on my 13th round of chemo and while the it appears it's keeping the cancer at bay, the biggest concern now is my deteriorating kidney function. Seems a tumour is blocking my right kidney and something needs to be done. I'll have to have a stent inserted, probably in the next few months, to save the kidney but for now we're just going month-by-month. Not a temporary situation - I'll have to have the stent changed every 8-10 weeks forever so stalling until just before I get into any serious trouble seems to be the way to go on that one! Aaaaaaraghhhh!

Missed the last two Callanish Writes classes because of a cold/bronchitis for the last 10 days. Excited for our next writing circle. Sending loving positive thoughts to my darling sister-friend Kirsten (and CW facilitator) who is having a pretty rough go of it lately - I' hoping we both make the Nov 2nd session.

I'm off to do my important job today - a manicure/pedicure - wishing you all a good day!

My Painting Experience...

Well I did it... I went, I painted and I had fun. Well for the most part anyway. Anxiety over the whole weekend almost paralysed me starting with the border using my Nexus pass for the first time - irrationally fearing that I would say something that would end in my getting schackled and thrown out of the US forever... but the nice fella said - Is it just you in the vehicle (duh!!), I said yup (probably said Yes Sir) and he said 'have a good day' - easy-peasy. Now to find my chosen B & B in Capital Hill. Where?? I've only ever stayed in downtown Seattle but my in a moment of bravery I said to myself if I'm going to be brave let's jump in with both feet - never been on a painting workshop (cuz I'm not a 'painter') and never stayed in a B&B. The Shafer Baillie Mansion was magnificent - amazingly restored in every detail, in a neighborhood of other old and beautiful homes on streets lined with colossal towering trees unfolding the exquisite colors of fall. Having said that, I think I'm more of a 'hotel' kinda gal although if I was travelling with someone else I may feel different - not totally discounting staying in a B&B again.

The Painting Experience was .... well quite an experience!! Fortunately I've had much Callanish 'training' in the areas of deep breathing, staying in the moment and acknowleding my inner critic!! This workshop embraces the idea of exploring your personal experience by putting brush to paper - without judgement, without right or wrong, and without any commentary from other participants. A practice I find very liberating. To peel the layers of your own onion so to speak. Although I didn't know it when I started out Friday night, the next 2 days were spent creating and putting color to the heavy load of sadness I've been carrying this last few months. And it was cathartic.. and not without a little humour I might add!! I learned a lot about the 'act' of painting and may now be inclined to break out my paint & brushes at home - and no... you can't see my work!

Trying to get back to to where I was staying was a nightmare - I got lost all three days. First night I ended up out at the Seattle Port on Hwy 99 - felt like I was almost in Olympia - that night it took just over an hour to find my way back. Saturday night in the pouring pounding rain I ended up in the University area - where to my delight there was a football game happening with more roadblocks, cars, people and police than I have ever see in one place. Saturday night get-back time was 1 hour and 45 minute - including 5 minutes on the side of a street having a meltdown. Sunday I had a plan - if I couldn't find my way the first time - and I didn't - the plan was to go right into downtown and get on I-5 North and find the right exit from the freeway - which I did and spent only a brief 40 minutes getting back to where I started. Not bad considering Fremont is only 15 minutes from where I was staying. Perhaps a GPS is in order....

Anyway after a mini-shop at Nordstrom's I headed home. My angst at crossing the border - this time with purchases over the limit - started to close in... OMG ... handed the gal my declaration slip and she says 'Have a nice day' - perhaps I should paint thru my paranoia!! Home safe, sound and very very tired.. feet up today - that's my plan - no GPS required.

Stay well everyone.

Rest easy Diane.