If I'd paid more attention in the 60's and 70's I probably would have been a flower child - is it too late to embrace that culture?? I don't think so although I likely have too many shoes, purses, clothes and other materialistic items for an absolutely perfect fit. And the drugs I take are most definitely not those of that era!!
In retrospect I travelled faster than the speed of light for many many years never stopping to consider too many things other than myself - is that the way of all young people? Social consciousness wasn't a phrase I was familiar with although I did have opinions that were based on very little knowledge of any given situation. My world was very small and contained and any opinion I voiced was not based on any kind of passion but the need to be accepted.
One of the great benefits of being in my 50's is that I accept me without apology. I've never been one for heated discussions nor the type to lock horns with others or rant and rave or get on a soap box (well most of the time!). Right or wrong is not an issue - I am right for me and you are right for you. My heart hurts for all the social injustices in the world, for all the tragedy, for all the hungry and cold and for those who have so little and like hundreds of other people I wish I could fix the world. I can't do that but every day I send a silent universal prayer for everyone to treat others with peace, love, understanding and compassion.
I think the Beatles said it best.....
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Oh de coffee!
I miss coffee. That lovely dark sweetly smooth panacea that makes the morning right. Yes - no - maybe so. Yes mornings are when i KNOW I can have one, maybe so mornings are the days I try and don't always succeed getting a cup down and the no mornings are.. well just plain sad.... but today is a yes day and let me tell you just how fine my coffee is!!
So I'm on Day 11 of 14 on the capecitabine and all is well so I'm feeling pretty optimistic. Some might understand the thought that if the chemo isn't making one sick you somehow feel like its not working. I have to remind myself how far treatments have come since 1992. I've been encouraged by some friends who are on the same treatment - my good buddy Jean has been on it for 4 out of 5 years and hasn't had much in the way of side-effects. 4 YEARS!!? I'll take that, hell I'll take 1/2 of that with minimal effects. I suspect that this 'chemo light' (as Jean refers to it!) is cumulative in terms of side effects as I'm starting to experience some tingling and skin reaction along with a few dizzy spells but nothing unmanageable. Although I did sleep most of the weekend - but I do like to sleep so maybe that's not related!!
My last week has been pretty quiet except for the odd reno committee meeting - oh the politics. I don't understand why some people are combative and disagreeable no matter what the topic - question: "Isn't it a lovely day?? answer: Well you might think it's lovely but the clouds are coming, mark my words, and then you'll wish you'd checked the weather forecast better." Oh the energy it must take to always be on the defensive and carry that large a dark cloud around. My answer - Yes - it's lovely right now and clouds come and go - today, tomorrow, next month -but they're not always black or gray and they don't always mean a storm is heading your way. Let your imagination wander when you look at clouds - I've seen some amazing pictures in those cumulonimbus beauties over the years!
My music rant - I finally got around to watching the Grammy Awards and now wonder when I got old. In the immortal words of our parents 'I remember when.....'. So, I remember when they actually gave out all the awards during airtime and let the winners have enough time to convey their gratitude. I remember when the awards were about the artists and not like a Broadway musical. Okay I admit we did have Elton John and the Divine Miss M. I remember when you could actually hear the words to the song. I remember when singers sang songs and didn't talk songs. I remember when dancers were meant to enhance the show not be the show, when singers didn't have to lip-sync so they could dance and I certainly don't remember the stars having to grab their crotch to make a statement. I remember when all categories of music were acknowledged on that particular night and I think it's a shame that music fans don't even get a small opportunity to discover other genres that embrace the world of music as a whole. The music of my generation seems to be timeless though and it was a treat to see Smokey, Quincy, Roberta, Carlos, Jeff, Elton and hear the music of Les Paul. I'm really not that old and I do luv my music - when I can hear it!
While I'm ranting let me say this about the Olympics. Colossal fiasco. I don't profess to have bored myself with all the detail but this I do know. It hurts (and has hurt) the regular joe, the small businessperson, the working public and the small communities of our province who have little or no expectation of compensation over the long term. Does the glory of hosting the Olympics outweigh the disruption and expense caused to the millions of people who live in BC that cannot or do not want to participate?? Not in my mind. I've heard some outrageous stories - one that really put me over the edge is a couple (RCMP) who had to send their children back east to her mother's for 2 weeks since they can't get any time off and thus look after their children - how can that be right? For what? Schools have been closed, roads have been closed, people who commute too many hours now have to add on more hours every day to be away from their children, their home, their parents and pay more tax for this benefit?? Then there are those who need the services of doctors or hospitals - be it urgently or regularly - in the city or outlying areas. Who thought of them? It's hard enough to be ill without having to worry about being late to dialysis or chemo or any number of life-saving treatments. Plan for emergencies?? How does one do that? An ambulance caught in traffic? Buses be re-routed or cancelled? No driving and no parking on main roads that are NOT in the downtown core - what's with that?? Oh and then there's the parking lots who have doubled - yes doubled - their parking rates over the last two weeks? Some people can't even afford to be sick (which is a very sad statement in such a wealthy province - but that's another blog) - never mind having to pay twice as much on parking to find out what's wrong with them. Yes - it's all bad and wrong from my point of view.
What else? Not too much. I've been nesting and puttering and reading and napping and catching up on Masterpiece Theatre - the latest one being 'Miss Austen Regrets'. Had some sweet time with Shirl. Got my beautiful new dining room suite delivered and with the vision of my pal Deb rearranged some furniture for a new look - thanks Deb! The purpose of the new dining room table is not what you might think - I don't really plan on cooking and eating - I plan on taking out my paints and paper and pencils and play 'Art' - yup it's probably the most expensive art table you'll ever see!
Okay so maybe I'm a little cranky today!!
So I'm on Day 11 of 14 on the capecitabine and all is well so I'm feeling pretty optimistic. Some might understand the thought that if the chemo isn't making one sick you somehow feel like its not working. I have to remind myself how far treatments have come since 1992. I've been encouraged by some friends who are on the same treatment - my good buddy Jean has been on it for 4 out of 5 years and hasn't had much in the way of side-effects. 4 YEARS!!? I'll take that, hell I'll take 1/2 of that with minimal effects. I suspect that this 'chemo light' (as Jean refers to it!) is cumulative in terms of side effects as I'm starting to experience some tingling and skin reaction along with a few dizzy spells but nothing unmanageable. Although I did sleep most of the weekend - but I do like to sleep so maybe that's not related!!
My last week has been pretty quiet except for the odd reno committee meeting - oh the politics. I don't understand why some people are combative and disagreeable no matter what the topic - question: "Isn't it a lovely day?? answer: Well you might think it's lovely but the clouds are coming, mark my words, and then you'll wish you'd checked the weather forecast better." Oh the energy it must take to always be on the defensive and carry that large a dark cloud around. My answer - Yes - it's lovely right now and clouds come and go - today, tomorrow, next month -but they're not always black or gray and they don't always mean a storm is heading your way. Let your imagination wander when you look at clouds - I've seen some amazing pictures in those cumulonimbus beauties over the years!
My music rant - I finally got around to watching the Grammy Awards and now wonder when I got old. In the immortal words of our parents 'I remember when.....'. So, I remember when they actually gave out all the awards during airtime and let the winners have enough time to convey their gratitude. I remember when the awards were about the artists and not like a Broadway musical. Okay I admit we did have Elton John and the Divine Miss M. I remember when you could actually hear the words to the song. I remember when singers sang songs and didn't talk songs. I remember when dancers were meant to enhance the show not be the show, when singers didn't have to lip-sync so they could dance and I certainly don't remember the stars having to grab their crotch to make a statement. I remember when all categories of music were acknowledged on that particular night and I think it's a shame that music fans don't even get a small opportunity to discover other genres that embrace the world of music as a whole. The music of my generation seems to be timeless though and it was a treat to see Smokey, Quincy, Roberta, Carlos, Jeff, Elton and hear the music of Les Paul. I'm really not that old and I do luv my music - when I can hear it!
While I'm ranting let me say this about the Olympics. Colossal fiasco. I don't profess to have bored myself with all the detail but this I do know. It hurts (and has hurt) the regular joe, the small businessperson, the working public and the small communities of our province who have little or no expectation of compensation over the long term. Does the glory of hosting the Olympics outweigh the disruption and expense caused to the millions of people who live in BC that cannot or do not want to participate?? Not in my mind. I've heard some outrageous stories - one that really put me over the edge is a couple (RCMP) who had to send their children back east to her mother's for 2 weeks since they can't get any time off and thus look after their children - how can that be right? For what? Schools have been closed, roads have been closed, people who commute too many hours now have to add on more hours every day to be away from their children, their home, their parents and pay more tax for this benefit?? Then there are those who need the services of doctors or hospitals - be it urgently or regularly - in the city or outlying areas. Who thought of them? It's hard enough to be ill without having to worry about being late to dialysis or chemo or any number of life-saving treatments. Plan for emergencies?? How does one do that? An ambulance caught in traffic? Buses be re-routed or cancelled? No driving and no parking on main roads that are NOT in the downtown core - what's with that?? Oh and then there's the parking lots who have doubled - yes doubled - their parking rates over the last two weeks? Some people can't even afford to be sick (which is a very sad statement in such a wealthy province - but that's another blog) - never mind having to pay twice as much on parking to find out what's wrong with them. Yes - it's all bad and wrong from my point of view.
What else? Not too much. I've been nesting and puttering and reading and napping and catching up on Masterpiece Theatre - the latest one being 'Miss Austen Regrets'. Had some sweet time with Shirl. Got my beautiful new dining room suite delivered and with the vision of my pal Deb rearranged some furniture for a new look - thanks Deb! The purpose of the new dining room table is not what you might think - I don't really plan on cooking and eating - I plan on taking out my paints and paper and pencils and play 'Art' - yup it's probably the most expensive art table you'll ever see!
Okay so maybe I'm a little cranky today!!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Sweet Surrender
I was thinking back to my drama moment last Thursday when I started my first dose of the chemo pills. I looked at them and looked at them for 1 1/2 hours and just couldn't swallow them. It wasn't the actual pills that were the problem it was the significance of the action. It was a no turning back point. It was jumping off a cliff. It was dark and angry moment. And it was scary - because, as many of us know, what is necessary to keep this disease at bay brings with it physical limitations that take us one step further away from life as we know it. Sometimes temporary but you're never the same, it would be unrealistic to think that a body wouldn't have long-term effects from absorbing the toxic substance of chemo drugs.
I want my old life back.
And then finally.... acceptance and instead of a cliff I took a jump off the side of a boat into the clear calm warm and eternally blue water in the Mediterranean. Because at the end of the day, there's really not an option.
I want my old life back.
And then finally.... acceptance and instead of a cliff I took a jump off the side of a boat into the clear calm warm and eternally blue water in the Mediterranean. Because at the end of the day, there's really not an option.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
What the !&^*
Let me start by saying it hasn't been my best week. Busy but not the best. Wednesday's appointment turned out to be a very big disappointment. And so a new plan is now in place. Seems my tumour markers are up again and tamoxifen didn't seem to be doing the job so my oncologist has recommended a course of chemotherapy. Oral chemo yes but still chemo - chemo's chemo right? Shit. I like his attitude tho - let's get a handle on this now - I know I'm in good hands. The plan is to do this for 4-6 months and then hopefully go back on a hormone treatment. Time will tell. I've spent the last few days thinking "How did these changes happen so quickly - wasn't I paying attention?" but in fact it hasn't been that fast and I've always known that 'things' would change one day and now one day is here. So one step in front of the other ....
I've been told that I always have to have a project on the go and it's true!! This last year my project has been the with renovation committee of the strata. It's been a lot of work along with some frustration at trying to please 68 owners but I'm happy to say that the agreement with the contractor is signed and reno's will start March 1st. Personally I don't think a face-lift every 18 years is unwarranted - although not everyone agrees!! Out with the pink and green - in with a fresh and bright and crisp and unworn contemporary look!!
My friend Shirl arrived last night Palm Desert for a week and I am so very happy to see her - she couldn't have picked a better week to come home (she's a snowbird!). I have to admit I'm not the reason but I take what I can get. Her daughter will give birth on Monday to a new addition - and what's very exciting is that we don't know if it's a boy or girl yet - how often does that happen anymore. So I'll share her this week with her family and get to hold a new little baby as a bonus.
So looking forward to next week's 1/2 day writing retreat at Callanish surrounded by a community of amazing people including my sweet sister-friend Kirsten who initiated this series 2-years and 3-volumes ago. March will be the start of Callanish Writes IV series - another 8-week workshop for the brave! Writing is so good for what ails you...
I've been told that I always have to have a project on the go and it's true!! This last year my project has been the with renovation committee of the strata. It's been a lot of work along with some frustration at trying to please 68 owners but I'm happy to say that the agreement with the contractor is signed and reno's will start March 1st. Personally I don't think a face-lift every 18 years is unwarranted - although not everyone agrees!! Out with the pink and green - in with a fresh and bright and crisp and unworn contemporary look!!
My friend Shirl arrived last night Palm Desert for a week and I am so very happy to see her - she couldn't have picked a better week to come home (she's a snowbird!). I have to admit I'm not the reason but I take what I can get. Her daughter will give birth on Monday to a new addition - and what's very exciting is that we don't know if it's a boy or girl yet - how often does that happen anymore. So I'll share her this week with her family and get to hold a new little baby as a bonus.
So looking forward to next week's 1/2 day writing retreat at Callanish surrounded by a community of amazing people including my sweet sister-friend Kirsten who initiated this series 2-years and 3-volumes ago. March will be the start of Callanish Writes IV series - another 8-week workshop for the brave! Writing is so good for what ails you...
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Dear Friends
Today I learned of another friend's passing over this last weekend. How this type of news wears on me is beyond description but let me try. The sadness sits with me still and yet again for all the friends I have lost the past few years, and there has been far too many. But coupled with the sadness of losing those precious friends is the certainty that the time we spent together enriched both/all of our lives and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Balancing the dark and the light of life is sometimes more of a challenge than others.
This past weekend I had the privilege of sitting in a circle with a number of other writers from our Callanish Writes workshop in an extraordinary experience. We are such a brave group of people - you know who you are!! We came together for an afternoon with family and friends to read our poetry 'in public' for the first time. A very tender and amazing experience. I'm thinkin' we should take it on the road!! Maybe call it the 'Callanish Monologues' - it perhaps wouldn't be as funny as that 'other' monologue play from awhile back. Hmmmmmm....wonder what kind of crowd we'd attract??
I've treated myself very well the last week - a day retreat, a sleep-in pj day, Voices of Callanish, relaxation and meditation. Oh yes it's all about me! And I plan to keep it up.
I'm in hold mode right now waiting on tests results which I'll get next Wednesday. My feeling is that things are a little precarious right now what with the progression diagnosis, the changes in meds which of course seems to come complete with new side-effects - some of which I'm not sure are related to the meds at this point -and the question of whether or not the Tamoxifen is having any effect. I'll see my GP tomorrow and try to get to the bottom of a few things.
Rest easy Karen.
This past weekend I had the privilege of sitting in a circle with a number of other writers from our Callanish Writes workshop in an extraordinary experience. We are such a brave group of people - you know who you are!! We came together for an afternoon with family and friends to read our poetry 'in public' for the first time. A very tender and amazing experience. I'm thinkin' we should take it on the road!! Maybe call it the 'Callanish Monologues' - it perhaps wouldn't be as funny as that 'other' monologue play from awhile back. Hmmmmmm....wonder what kind of crowd we'd attract??
I've treated myself very well the last week - a day retreat, a sleep-in pj day, Voices of Callanish, relaxation and meditation. Oh yes it's all about me! And I plan to keep it up.
I'm in hold mode right now waiting on tests results which I'll get next Wednesday. My feeling is that things are a little precarious right now what with the progression diagnosis, the changes in meds which of course seems to come complete with new side-effects - some of which I'm not sure are related to the meds at this point -and the question of whether or not the Tamoxifen is having any effect. I'll see my GP tomorrow and try to get to the bottom of a few things.
Rest easy Karen.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Various Veins
Yesterday I left Casa del Cancer giggling and chuckling over the antics of the day - not what normally happens on test day. You see I have no veins. Well of course I really do, they're just so deep and uncooperative that I'm sure the techs toss a coin to see who gets to poke me first. I'm ecstatic to report that yesterday was a one-poke day in both departments! Labwork first - no chairs available so I laid on a cot - maybe that helped, who knows - but one poke and it was done!! After gushing my gratitude to the tech she offered to be my own personal bleeder - complete with leeches if I so desired!! I did pass on that but we had quite the cartoon going on. Then off to my scan and - one poke and it was done. While they were setting up, being my helpful self, I started to raise my arms when the tech threatened me!! Oh yes she did - she told me that if that damn needle came out I could re-insert it myself!! Well as you can imagine that turned into a comedy routine as well. Yup - they know me in that department.
On another vein, I had the most lovely weekend in Victoria with my sister - such a treat for us to get some 1-on-1 time. Not that it was all 1-on-1 but what we had was great. It my niece's birthday so we shopped and ate and shopped and ate and slept and laughed. I love Victoria and all it's trees and buildings - even in the rain.
And on another vein, I bought a new laptop with Windows 7 and am wondering if I'll ever get this sorted out. I'm so not technical and my frustration level has been rapidly rising. Still have to get my old laptop 'de-virused' before I can access some documents but I just want to play with my new toy.
Tomorrow is my treat day - a day retreat at Callanish. I am so very ready for that -the last couple of months have been difficult and sad for so very many reasons and to sit with the Callanish community is the best medication I can get.
On another vein, I had the most lovely weekend in Victoria with my sister - such a treat for us to get some 1-on-1 time. Not that it was all 1-on-1 but what we had was great. It my niece's birthday so we shopped and ate and shopped and ate and slept and laughed. I love Victoria and all it's trees and buildings - even in the rain.
And on another vein, I bought a new laptop with Windows 7 and am wondering if I'll ever get this sorted out. I'm so not technical and my frustration level has been rapidly rising. Still have to get my old laptop 'de-virused' before I can access some documents but I just want to play with my new toy.
Tomorrow is my treat day - a day retreat at Callanish. I am so very ready for that -the last couple of months have been difficult and sad for so very many reasons and to sit with the Callanish community is the best medication I can get.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Positive Thinking .... or Realism
At the Mets Support Group yesterday we had a discussion on the power of positive thinking, a concept that has been around certainly since I was young and naive. Which led me to thinking about how I think... and it's complicated. I don't believe anyone has just 'one' way of thinking, life happens and it's just simply not all good. What I do believe though is that - for me - positive thinking is my base for how I handle and react to my life. Call me Pollyanna if you will but right after you call me that you must also call me a realist. I like to think that for most part people are good and generous and kind, that you get what you give and that it's way easier to be kind and happy than sad or angry or mean.
So given my latest test results, I'm getting back on track to 'positive' - and no, not that "It's so wonderful that the results weren't THAT bad" kind of positive. It's more of a "Well things are changing but I'm still in pretty good shape for the shape I'm in" kind of positive. But I'm also a realist - I know my road is going to get bumpy and this is a new and unwanted phase. Just to clarify I am in no way 'giving up' - so not my style - but I also don't have my head in the sand.
I hate cancer, I hate everything it does, not only to the individual but to the families and friends who love and support and walk alongside those of us who deal with this disease. I hate that people suffer and die. I hate that children are left without a parent, that people lose their partners, that families lose their sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, mothers, father, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins or grandparent - I hate it all. But I have to live with this disease and while it might take over my body - it will never, ever take over my mind or my spirit.
I have lost so many friends over these past 4 years and it's hard. What sits in my heart is just profound sadness that this is happening - to me, to so many of my friends and to so many people I don't know.
Rest easy Zoe.
So given my latest test results, I'm getting back on track to 'positive' - and no, not that "It's so wonderful that the results weren't THAT bad" kind of positive. It's more of a "Well things are changing but I'm still in pretty good shape for the shape I'm in" kind of positive. But I'm also a realist - I know my road is going to get bumpy and this is a new and unwanted phase. Just to clarify I am in no way 'giving up' - so not my style - but I also don't have my head in the sand.
I hate cancer, I hate everything it does, not only to the individual but to the families and friends who love and support and walk alongside those of us who deal with this disease. I hate that people suffer and die. I hate that children are left without a parent, that people lose their partners, that families lose their sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, mothers, father, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins or grandparent - I hate it all. But I have to live with this disease and while it might take over my body - it will never, ever take over my mind or my spirit.
I have lost so many friends over these past 4 years and it's hard. What sits in my heart is just profound sadness that this is happening - to me, to so many of my friends and to so many people I don't know.
Rest easy Zoe.
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