I remember...

Lying in bed trying to sleep but my mind is all over the place.  I've reached a milestone this week and find it amusing, amazing and extraordinary.  And I remember...

Not really my childhood years.... for they were not the ideal of times.. but in fact those years were the blueprint of the life I would lead.   And so I remember..

My teenage years.... for they were the years where I encountered so very many people who would influence my life in so may positive ways and remain friends still today.  They were the years I had my first crush that lasted forever, the years I met the couple who were to become my surrogate parents to this day, the years of my rebellion, when I met my true forever friend , the years I thought I was as smart as anyone could be and the years that I somehow knew I would walk my own path.

My 20's ....my version of the roaring 20's where I had a false sense of what was real (and I was't the only one with that thought!), where and when I danced myself silly, drank more than my share of cocktails, fell in and out of love, wrestled with what love really meant, had a million jobs but also when my career advanced because others believed in me more than I believed in myself.  It was a time when I was determined not to live a life of hardship and knew that at the very least I would be the best-dressed bag lady of the neighbourhood.  When I would accept the least offered and expect the best of myself.  When I believed everyone knew me better than I knew myself - which I didn't at all.  When I met so many more people who would become my forever friends

My 30's... thinking I was smart and accomplished and had reached my peak.  The years I knew I wasn't capable of taking care of anyone other than myself and put the thought of having children to rest.  If I was 30-something today I like to think that I would be brave enough to become a single mother or adopt a child - I think I would have been a good mom.  I'm not really sure what what my 30's were about - maybe getting over the agony/anguish of my 20's??

My 40's....  a life-changing decade.  Turning 40 -the best year of my life.  Finally broke a 10-year fantasy of what love should be and wasn't, turned 40, received a cancer diagnosis, lost my job, got back in the real estate game, got mad and without being clear of a path,  started on a path that has led me to the life I live today.  My 40''s were clearly about realizing that living has a definite timeline, maybe sooner, maybe later - but it was also about wondering about how invincible we really are in the grand scheme of life.  My 40's were also about appearing bulletproof in the eyes of everyone I knew and not being honest about my trepidation of the fear of cancer returning.   My 40's were also about opportunity, growth, expansion, encouragement and the fostering of sibling collaboration without which I would not be were I am today.  They were about the question I have learned to ask myself for any situation where I find myself at odds - "What is the worst that could happen?"

My 50's.... when I felt the finally life would settle, when things would come easier, when I was respected for what I knew, not what I did, when laughter when permeate every conversation about how our crazy lives led us to this wonderfully contented time when 'the kids' became the adults and we could bask in the glory of having made it through those times and do all we could to make times easier for our children.  When I was diagnosed at 53 with metastatic breast cancer, when I was told my lifeline was 3-5 years, when I thought about getting 'old' and really wanted to be, when my life become so compressed, when I thought about all I had discounted in my life became paramount, when I learned to trust myself and my feelings, when triviality became trivial, when I learned that unless you know the road someone has walked you have no right to judge, I know for sure that we all have something to offer everyone and that essentially everyone everywhere hungers for the same thing - love, understanding, the physical touch and the human spirit.

My 60's - I have been in my 60's for 2 days now and likely don't know much more than I did in my 50's.  But what I do know is that in the last 48 hours I have had another re-settling of my spirit.  Because when you live with this disease life is about the unknown - about how I will feel tomorrow, about what the next test/report/appointment will reveal, about what lies ahead, about what I'm capable of doing and not doing (be it physical or emotional), about making plans.  And so I am in another retrospective moment -  for as long as I have the mental and physical capacity to do, I will do my best to participate in the life I have and the life I know which is so different than the life I had.  I don't know what's in store for me in the near future - I think I feel healthier than I am - crazy as that sounds  (although I've felt that way before and it was true) but whatever the future holds with all of my family, friends and communities I know I will get through what lies ahead with an awesome amunt of peace, love and acceptance for you are the very essense of my courage.

February 19

It's been a long time between posts - my tag line should read 'sometimes several months attack me at once'!  Sunday morning with my coffee, Skype-ing with friends  travelling in Arizona & checking in with others.  Another gloomy February day -- I am surely ready for the gray to be gone and trying hard to recall the hot weather of Palm Desert.

I've been deep undercover these last few weeks finding it near impossible to connect with the outside world.  Contrary to what many people think, I am really quite a reclusive person - not in an anti-social, withdrawn or lonely way or an unapproachable way (at least I hope not).  But I'm a homebody and I find the longer I live with cancer the less I can deal with certain things.  A friend asked me recently if I found living with cancer every day a burden.  It seemed to me that 'burden' is the perfect word for how I cope - it is a burden for me.  I would love to be one of those people who has bucket lists, who can live outside their bodies, who can see the 'gift' of cancer (that one is so beyond me).  I would love to want to hang out and go out and stay out past 6-7 pm.  I would love to be physically and mentally energized to meet each day.  Those are among the many the guilt trips I go on each day - that I should be all those things and more, that I should stop indulging myself in this lifestyle and get out there and do something.  Way too many should's.  And I do a number of things - they're just more solitary in nature.  The truth of the matter is after the past 6 1/2 years of metastatic cancer , and nearly 20 years from my first diagnosis, I'm bone weary.  Add to that mix  living with chronic depression for 40+ years.  There are days when I'm not sure what incapacitates me more.  Why I'm disclosing all this I'm not entirely sure - possibly because I've been saying no to so many people in my life lately and thought an explanation might be in order.  I'm thinking that my current anti-depressants are pooping out on me (my technical term!) and am changing over to one I haven't taken before.  That along with a little sunshine and longer days and I'm hoping against hope this combination will straighten me out and I will find my days less challenging and less overwhelming.

On the cancer front things are in limbo again.  Going off my chemo for a month didn't turn out to be such a good idea - huge jump in my tumour markers.  I'm now off the oral chemo and back on a hormone blocker - Exemestane - for awhile until we can figure out where the activity is.  Also off my monthly treatment for the bone mets.  Had a bone scan which looked stable and now awaiting results on a CT scan.  Depending on those results I may have to start IV chemo which I find pretty devastating.  Except of course if the Exemestane brings the markers down substantially.  For now I'll hurry up and wait until March 21st to see what the next installment of my life will bring.  

Even reading my fellow bloggers updates has been overwhelming for me lately and so today I'm going to try and catch up on one or two.  Then directly to my new favorite thing - my recliner! - to watch some more Upstairs Downstairs.  

So while this isn't the most uplifting post I've ever written it is an honest one.

Rest easy Shawna

Merry Christmas to my world!

I’d like to say that this Christmas message is simply my way of being green but that would be pushing the boundaries of honesty! The simple truth is I just don’t do cards anymore. I am blessed with so many friends, some I see often, some I rarely see, some have been in my life forever, some I have met recently and some I haven’t talked to in years yet remain in my heart with cherished memories. Add to that list my great big ol’ loving family, my Callanish community and my Mets Group community – well I just can’t afford the postage….. makes me one lucky gal I’d say.

Health-wise this year has been a bit of a challenge but as I like to say I’m still in pretty good shape for the shape I’m in. While this old body doesn’t perform as well as I’d like let me assure you that my attitude and sense of humor (dark as it may be) remain intact. I’ve been on this ‘chemo light’ for almost two years now but thinking there’s a change coming soon. This cancer gig has turned into a full-time job! My oncologist however gave me a month off treatment for a Christmas present – best present ever! So on Dec 24th I will head off to Palm Desert for a couple of weeks of mindless R & R.

Living without a roommate wasn’t working for me and so to my/our great fortune Annee II and I found each other. For anyone who has known my other cats you can relax - Annee is so sociable, loves requires attention, loves to be combed and petted – she is the antithesis of both Webbie & Annie!

Yes... I am perfect

Our family had its share of engagements, birthdays, anniversaries and new sweethearts this year. We embraced the arrival of gorgeous little London Brielle who, despite being born with a severe heart defect, is now a thriving 5-month old who keeps proving everyone wrong. Here is a picture of her today waiting for her echocardiogram – she doesn’t look that impressed!

Yes... I am the rock star of Children's Hospital

I got away for two retreats this year – to the first ever Callanish Creative Arts Retreat at the fabulous Brew Creek Center close to Whistler and another retreat with my Metastatic Support Group at the Rockwater Secret Cover Resort on the Sunshine Coast. I could live on retreat! Not being much of a traveler though the furthest I went this year was to Whistler! I’m going to correct that situation by going to California in a couple of days.

So without detailing my entire year let me just say that It’s been busy, it’s been fulfilling, it’s been happy and it’s been sad. I can also add that there’s been many laughs, many visits, many writing classes, many sunny days on the deck, many manicures & pedicures, many glasses of wine, many great conversations and much contentment. It’s been another year of ups, downs and all-arounds!

Christmas is always a wonderful opportunity to connect with those in my life and in my heart all year round even though we may not always see or talk to each other. I wish for you all a wonderful Christmas season full of family, friends, love and great food! For 2012, I wish for all a year of good health, great happiness, much satisfaction and much success in all that you do.

Wishing you all peace, love and contentment,

Marlene
xoxo

And so this is Christmas...

Her wish was simple
Peace in every nation
Joy in every heart
and a Mitten on every hand

That's it folks. All I want. I have everything l need or want. I have a family who loves me & I love them. I have friends that I cherish and that cherish me. I have my communities who give me more than I could have ever imagined and with whom I hope I give back in kind. I have a roof over my home - my sanctuary, my comfort, my safe haven; I have food in my fridge made with love by my 'meals on wheels' friends; I have coats and mittens and hats and boots to keep me warm in the winter; I have money in the bank; I have my little Annie who sits with me, listens to me, loves me unconditionally - well.. as long as I feed her, brush her and pet her; I have books to read and music to soothe my soul.

And while I may not be a picture of health - I have enough health, strength and resolve to get past whatever lies ahead next year.

I have everything I want.

Back from the edge

Despite my best intention to write thru my latest meltdown every time I sat down to write I couldn't get any words to flow. Lack of concentration, lack of motivation, an abundance of apathy and general malaise! Then there's always my anxiety of divulging how life really is for me as I head to the black hole of self-absorption, fear and a scarcity of self-compassion. These times seem to coincide with bouts of bugs that I seem to get thanks to my not-so-immune system - in this case another bout of cold/bronchitis. I was actually sick when I wrote my happy port-a-cath post but was obviously too excited to mention it.

Too many meds & too many trips to the doctor - both my GP and the clinic. I missed Thanksgiving - although I am grateful to my sister-in-law for sending me 2 turkey dinners and the best-I've-ever-had pea soup to pop in the freezer to be enjoyed when my appetite returned. I missed my best friend's 60th birthday party. I missed a very dear friend's Celebration of Life as well as one of my Callanish friends. I missed a writing class. I was grounded. Reading, TV, movies, laundry, naps - is this my life?? Too much thinking time. Not coping very well at all. I did get out of the house to get some radiation on my hip - that was the highlight.

So really is this my life I ask myself? Where is purpose, where is feeling useful, where are the positive thoughts and feeling of contentment that I used to have? See that's the problem when I have too much time - staying in the moment is so hard. Will I ever live a tranquil life? How do people do that anyway? If you know please pass on your info...

Now a week or so of feeling better and realizing - again! - that I'm a gal that needs a project to not only keep my mind occupied but to feel useful. And so I've offered my services to my Mets Support Group for a couple of things. There is a 'quiet room' on the patient floor of the clinic that needs a little TLC in creating a tranquil and peaceful space for patients and/or their families to spend some private time. Anyone who knows me knows this is my kind of endeavor! I should probably check to see if there's a budget.... The other project is pretty substantial but with the help of Sue - who unfortunately has had to join our club - we think we can pull it off. We want to create a website for the Metastatic Support Group - a resource guide of sorts - oh my my we have so many ideas! Now neither Sue or I have ever built a website but we each have our 'peeps' and will be looking for advice/guidance/expertise and whatever you have to offer. Any & all ideas are welcome - from the Mets Group and from my blogger friends. Of course Sue is going away this week and I'm going away for Christmas so don't be looking for it anytime soon!

I'm getting back on track and feeling better. The radiation treatment was no big deal - only one treatment was scheduled. Next is a 'Orthopantomography' to check out the jaw discomfort. Sounds a little unnerving but it's really just a panoramic 2-dimensional x-ray of my jaw.

What always keeps me safe when I sink below my surface is knowing that with the right amount of patience and the support of my network I always surface and the knowledge that there will always be sadness and gladness in my world - it's my responsiblity to keep the balance.

Rest easy Jill W.
Rest easy Jill M.

Easy-Peasy

Yesterday was time for my monthly pamidronate treatment and I think I may have appeared just a little smug when I waltzed into the treatment room. After our good mornings Nurse T. said 'well let's get that arm warmed up' and I, after puffing out my chest a bit replied ' I don't need to today - I got myself a portacath!' - like a child who wants to show off their new toy!! That's wonderful she says (visualize mutual hug) your life will be so much easier! And it was and it will be. With that I sat down in my recliner and watched as she swabbed the area and inserted the special needle needed for ports - with just a mild pricking sensation. That was it - 2 minutes max. It used to be anywhere from 10-20 minutes, 2-3 hot towels and then up to as many as 5 tries to get a vein. After pumping in some saline in to make sure all is well I settle in for my 60-minute treatment.. all the while making sure that I wave my arms about at every possible opportunity - because I could!

Patti Port-a-cath - my new best friend! She sits just under the skin of my left breastbone, seems to be relatively easy to get along with and while she does jut out a bit you'll all just have to learn to appreciate how she looks!! Cuz I'm already attached to her!

Thanksgiving

It used to be that Thanksgiving was the one time of the year I would be aware of all that is good in my life. These last few years tho I recognize and acknowledge all that is good in my life on an almost daily basis - gratitude being synonymous with thanksgiving.

I am grateful for my understanding and wholly supportive family. All of them - my sister, 3 brothers, 8 nieces & nephews and 11 great nieces/nephews and all my surrogate children over the years. The essence of who and how I am.

I am grateful for the very many long friendships I have been blessed with - friendships that started in childhood and have stood the test of time thru teenage years, love, marriage, divorce, children and grandchildren, thru illness, sadness & losses, thru silliness, laughter, solidarity and the sheer joy of connection. My girlfriends and my manfriends - the foundation of my life.

I am grateful for all my 'new' friends and the paths that brought us together. I am grateful for all the friends that I have known over the last 6 years who shared their lives with me before passing away. There is a debt of gratitude to each them I cannot repay so I will pay it forward.

I am grateful for my communities without which I would not be able to bear so many things. To my Callanish community who continues to help me live in the now of my life and allows me to be as I am, which allows me to grow in ways I cannot articulate. To my Metastatic Cancer Support Group where we lay down everything, where we laugh and cry and commiserate and educate and compare notes on everything from treatments to side effects to doctors to shoes and travel.

I am grateful for the life I have created for myself over the years by virtue of these relationships - not knowing at the time that what I did, when I did it and the people I chose to keep in my world would lead me to this place of contentment. I am grateful that I was smart enough to banish the ugly, the wrong, the hurtful, the senseless and embrace the good, the moral and the honest.

There has been a question rumbling around in my mind this last while: Why have I been given all this time? I don't know the answer to that but I am grateful that I have been given all this time.

Happy Thanksgiving to my world.

Rest easy Martha.

De-Pink

Oh there is a lot being said among my fellow bloggers about this whole 'Pink Thing'! The more I read the more I realize I'm not the only one with an attitude about the: A) Commercialization of Breast Cancer Awareness; B) The idea that someone out there thinks breast cancer is warm & fuzzy; C) The misconception that breast cancer is alway curable and D) That if you spend your time & energy putting on the right clothes and getting your makeup perfect and your hair or wig properly coif-ed you'll feel oh-so-much better about having cancer.

If you want to understand more about how why many of us BC/MCC folks bristle at the idea of being pink'd - here's a good place to start: http://cancerculturenow.blogspot.com/ . I've only just found this blog but Rachel certainly has the gift to get her point across - for me personally a great read and some other great blogs to connect to.

Plan A

I've just realized I left you all hanging so just a quick post before I head off to my mets support group at the clinic.

Met up with Dr. RO last week and it's decided - we're going with Plan A - a little radiation to try and eradicate the new bone tumours. A great Dr. - very imformative, straight-up with possible complications - like trying not to get any of my bladder or colon when they 'hit' me - and answered all my questions to my satisfaction and the big plus - he had on the nicest suit & tie - none of that lab-coat look! Do I really judge some of my Dr.'s by the way the dress - seems so!

Dr. RO is away for a couple of weeks now and I decided that I'd wait till he get back to get started as the pain is bearable so likely I'll hear of the Plan in a week or so. He says that probably only 2 treatements for now and then monitor via Dr. O by way of scans etc unless I start feeling any new symptons. Which of course I have in my upper right arm/shoulder for the last 3 weeks although nothing showed up on the bone scan so I'll deal with that at my next appt in a couple of weeks.

Want to share my fabulous evening out with Irene & David last Thursday. My nephew Chad is a chef at the Fairmont Pacific Rim downtown - quite the luxury hotel I must say - in the upscale Oru dining room. Each month they have a feature dinner item and Chad's creation was the feature for September and being the proud parents we are (!) we went to behold and feast on his creation. We were treated like royalty and spoiled with amazing food. We moved thru exquisite appetizers to dinners. Chad's dinner creation of "Five Spice Venison with seared pine mushroom, sautéed brussel sprouts with kabocha squash purée and venison maple jus" was melt in your mouth delicious and we shared this along with 2 other scrumptious dinners. An then dessert appeared...

I'll let the picture speak for itself - 3 of everything chocolate - very happy that Chadwick was working the desert station that night! We were served all our courses by the chef's - Chad, Head Chef Yvonne, Sous-chef Chris - and Executive Sous-Chef Murray stopped by for a chat - everyone was so generous of their time considering the party of 140 in the private room. I think the way we were treated that night is a testament to how much they like and appreciate Chad - we of course know what a wonderful and amazing person he is!
Running late now!
Have a good week my friends.

Pink Scminck

October is officially known as Breast Cancer Awareness month. My question is this - what about the other 11 months of the year? Is October the only month to say it out loud? To those in the BC community, and those of us with MBC, it would be a fantastical dream if October was the only month we had to deal with it.

Another question is - who decided pink was the right color for cancer? Back in 199? the American Cancer Society joined forces with - guess what - a pharmaceutical company. Conflict of interest perhaps. Then along came Estee Lauder Corp who created the pink ribbon as a symbol for awareness. Fair enough - pink is considered the color for the feminine gender. But let me tell you pink is certainly not the color of cancer. Cancer isn't even a color. It's a lifestyle, it's a job, it's exhausting and it's scary. It isn't pink scarves, pink jewellery, pink makeup, pink ribbons or magazines devoting their October issues to the cause of breast cancer. Cancer inhabits not just the body, it takes up more space in the mind than one can possibly imagine.

The pink world is out of control. Pink is now a business unto itself. If it's pink then let's associate it with BC. Let's create another pink T-shirt, another pink lipstick, another pink coffee mug. Every October thousands of businesses create 'pink' merchandise and sell them with the promise of some token % to be donated to cancer research. Do you really need anymore pink? Instead of buying something pink for $20 and having 10% donated to research consider simply donating the $20 - you'll get a tax receipt for that and you won't have to put that pink thing in the back of your closet in the pink pile. Or simply don't buy it. Unless you really love pink or are under the age of 10.

Rest easy Jill

The Next Plan

I know a lot of people who, after a week of work, say 'TGIF' - well that's how I feel this week. The week started with that little procedure - the port. After being assured by the OR nurse that it would hurt and being assured by Dr. Port that he wasn't going to give me the full amount of sedaton I wanted, I 'came to' when he asked how I was doing. To everyone's alarm I couldn't talk - no voice, nada. Seems that my vocal cords and my throat had been frozen - perhaps too much freezing?? Anyway it was pretty scary since Dr. Port and the nurse said that had never happened in their OR before. After a lot of TLC from the recovery room nurses, lot of BP and heart testing my voice started to come back and we all breathed a little easier. My poor sister tho - part of this recover seemed to be coughing - which made me sound and feel like I was trying to toss a fur-ball - not my finest moment! Anyway a few hours later I had the voice back and the fur-ball was gone.

Just for the record - at this point I've been typing away and then poof - the rest of the post just disappeared - that's it - gone. That among other Blogger issues I've had over these last few months. I'm seriously thinking of changing over to wordpress - but I'm nervous I'll lose everything so we'll see. So let me re-create what I think I said!

I took Tuesday off, slept in, caught up on phone calls & emails, ate Tanya's amazing oatmeal chocolate chip cookies with my tea and generally slugged it out on the couch with my Annie. Oh, right. Remember the post where I introduced you to 'Delilah' - well I still have the same darling kitty but she's had a couple of name changes Delilah being too much of a mouthful. Tried Lila for a week or so, no go. Tried Lulu for a couple of weeks, still no go. Just kept calling her Annie - so she is officially named Annie - and I don't think my dearly departed Annie One will mind at all.

Now Wednesday. Overslept, horrendous traffic and an hour late for my labs. My 9:40 appointment was right on schedule tho and Dr. Oncology comes in and ... we talk. My CT scans are stable - no changes to liver, no changes to kidney situation and my lungs are clear. It's the bone scan - there are additional tumours showing up in the left hip area. Which isn't a great surprise to me as I've been having sharp pains in my flank and can 'feel' something that I can't quite explain. So now a two part plan. Plan A - see radiation oncologist (who will be noted as Dr. RO!) next Friday to see if he will agree to some radiation to shrink the tumours; if he agrees then I will do that and stay on this chemo light and we'll monitor what happens. Plan B - if he doesn't think radiation is warranted at this point, then I will stop the chemo and go back to a hormone therapy - Exemestane - to see if that will shrink them. My cancer is HR Positive and I've had good results with hormone therapy in the past. In any case - the times they are a'changing.

A quick note to all my friends who read my blog - I would really appreciate it if you could put your supportive & loving comments right here on my blog rather than on Facebook. I like to re-visit them when I have the need and they get lost on FB after awhile. I've made it easier to post here. Thanks - with lots of luv and big hugs.

Acceptance

Some days posting a blog seems easy enough - right up until I start to do it. So many thoughts in my head, some trivial, some not and then the turmoil begins. How do I go about articulating something meaningful when I'm not even sure what to write about. This blog started out well enough and it's not that I'm not motivated to write it's just that I want to write about the right thing. I want to be honest, to be cheerful, to share the positive and not make too big a deal about the negative. But the negative can be a really big deal - and even tho I can see it thru the lense of a comedy skit or better still.. a reality sitcom - living with MBC is arduous both physically and mentally.

Tomorrow I will be having a "Implantable Venous Access System" - better know in my circle as a port-a-cath - inserted. I've been procrastinating on this for quite some time for various reasons - like not being brave enough to handle all those needles. In fact the actual bravery part is the acceptance of what is good and necessary and helpful. Whenever I'm confronted with a change I feel like I'm slipping down the ladder a little bit more. The now of my life is no exception. This last week has been very trying - I've had a bone scan, monthly IV treatment for the bone mets and a CT scan. I also picked up my reports from last month and see that my tumour markers have jumped 14 points in 30 days. Not a good sign. They have been gradually going up since last year about this time but usually anywhere from 1 to max 5 points during any given month. I suspect there willl be some changes pretty soon in my treatment plan. And that is hard to wrap my head around. I will see my oncologist on Wednesday to put the pieces of this puzzle together - anxiety isn't over-rated right now.

Rest easy Mona

Catching up - other stuff

So with all that health stuff going on my world still turned - some good, some bad as life seems to hand us all.

Starting with the good - I have a new roommie! Let me introduce you to Lulu - my beautiful Seal Point Himalayan cat!

She seems to have a bit of a princess look in this pic... which is not surprising.. it's so wonderful to have a new buddy to hang out with & talk to & I just love her!

A lot of Callanish Writing has happened since my May posting. We finished up our 6th series and a new book is on the way. It was tough to write this last series without the inspiration and guidance of Kirsten but she has left us an amazing legacy and I honour her with every word I write because I know that without Kirsten's vision of Callanish Writes I would have never put pen to paper. How I wish Kirsten could have been at our summer sessions too - she would have loved it! Right here at my home - on my deck - once in July and once in August - we love our decks!! Thanks to all who made the unpredictable trip both ways thru the tunnel and left such positive energy behind for me to wallow in.

We have new baby in the family - beautiful London Brielle (Mills) MacLellan arrived July 17th - London's mama's 3rd child and only girl, Big Bro's 8th grandchild (and him barely an adult himself!) and my 11th great-niece/nephew! Sadly London was born with a severe heart defect called Ebstein's Anomoly and although the first week of her little life was very precarious, she is doing remarkably well now at just over 6 weeks old. London's cardiologist says 'she keeps proving me wrong', uses terms like 'amazing' and she is the rock-star of Children's Hospital cardio unit! She will have to have a heart transplant but for now she is home, gaining weight, smiling, laughing and doing all the things a normal baby would do including be loved and catered to by her parents & very proud big brothers.

Such a cutie-pie!

There's been dinners and lunches, manicure and pedicures, shopping and spending, visits and quiet time, phone calls and emails, books read and movies watched, tears shed and laughter laughed - your general garden variety life! Nothing earth-shattering or devastating with the exception of London's diagnosis - but we will stay in the here and now and enjoy every day with her.

Other good news is that the police arrested and charged the 19-year old who killed Marilyn. Ten counts altogether. While I'm glad to know he will be held responsible and accountable, I can't help but feel some compassion for such a young man who will never have the life he could have had or would have had. Such a waste - on both sides. Lives changed forever for what...

Other good news - my darling Danielle is engaged - congratulations to you & Geoff my sweet!

And as always within my communities there have been losses these last few months. My friends, my supporters, my buddies , my heros.

Rest easy Judith
Rest easy Yan
Rest easy Wayne
Rest easy Caio

And a candle for Mona..



Stay well my friends.

Catching Up - the health stuff

Bad blogger - that's what I am! I was determined to post at least once before the end of the summer - can't get much closer than August 31st...

Hard to believe 3 months have passed since I last wrote. It's been a rough few months healthwise but am definitely feeling better the last 2-3 weeks. Without going into a lot of detail I had the nephrostomy tube removed - the pain wasn't worth the gain. Too many procedures, too many trips to the health unit, too many bladder infections, too many yeast infections, too many weeks on antibiotics and one great big old skin infection from too many bandages which I'm still trying to get rid of. At the end of the day, the diagnosis is still the same - unable to determine wether or not there is cancer in the ureter as it is so compressed they are unable to pass anything thru it, which also means that a stent can't be inserted to alleviate the kidney condition. My right kidney is likely not functioning well regardless and so will eventually atrophy and do nothing... my left kidney is just fine so that's not a huge worry and my oncologist will keep an eye on the kidney condition. Other assorted and miscellaneous conditions and symptons related to the above have come and mostly gone so I don't see any need to bore you with those details.

So now September approaches.. which is gearing up to be a pretty busy medical month - seems all my new best friends have an MD of some sort after their name. I have another bone scan coming up - I've been having some light pain in my lower back and left flank - close enough to the tumours on my 'iliac' to warrant another test. 1/4'ly CT scan also coming up in a couple of weeks. Then my monthly treatment and my monthly visit with my oncologist to see if I get to stay on this 'chemo light' or move on to something more effective. Tumour markers have been slowly rising the last couple of months and while not sky-rocketing, still a source of concern. After much thought and trepidation I've made the decision to have a port-a-cath (port) inserted. I simply have very few cooperative veins left and given that I get way too many needles between blood work, procedures and IV's and the nurses run the other way when they see me coming it seems a logical step to take. The procedure involves day surgury so I'm waiting to hear on that - would be nice to have that done before I have to have the bone scan, CT scan and my Sept treatment - no bruising, no anxiety - that would be a nice change! As always my major and ongoing grievance is fatigue - worn out, worn down and depleted!

It's a full time job this cancer thing - but I'm still in pretty good shape for the shape I'm in!!

Stay well my friends.

An Open Letter

This is an open letter to everyone I know and don't know .... my sister, my brothers, my 'kids', my kids kids, my friends, my acquaintances, and to those I don't know but who randomly read my blog ... and to myself.

My friend Marilyn was killed last week - May 18, 2011 by a hit and run driver. She went out for dog food and was two minutes from her home.

So don't wait. Don't wait on the world. Don't wait for life to come to you - it won't - you have to find your life. Be brave, find someone to love, someone who will love you back as completely as you love them. Be a team.

Live out loud - now. Find your passion and live it or learn it or be in it and then wallow in it.

Enjoy a lazy day but don't live a lazy life. Be connected to all that makes you feel right and good - not just okay.

Don't settle for okay - don't settle for 'just okay', don't settle for 'okay for now' - not even for the short term. Don't settle for a job that doesn't fulfill you but pays the bills, don't settle for a relationship that doesn't fill your needs, don't settle for people who want more from you than you have to give.

Settle for great - settle for great love, great friends, great family, great community, great contentment, great career, great joy and great laughter. Live a life of abundance.

Keep moving forward - don't wait for the heavens to open and life to explain itself - it won't. Life is what we have today... along with our yesterdays - our memories are our life. Figure it out as you go along - don't wait for the bolt of lightening.

Ask for what you need - from yourself, your friends, your family, your mentors and the universe. Figure out what completes you. You. Know that as much as you might think you are in control, it's an illusion. Be the best you can be - start now.

One small act of kindness is food for your soul - so be kind to yourself and anyone you meet on your way.

It's not life that is short - it's each day that is short. Make a plan, try your hardest, do your best - for 24 hours at a time.

I've known people who lived to 28 and some who have lived to 100 - and many many in between.

Don't race thru life trying to grab all the apples from the tree - but please don't lie sleeping under the tree until all the apples are gone either.

Don't fake it, don't ignore it, don't take it for granted, don't be scare of it.

Stand your ground, state your truth, be committed and be flexible.

Keep your friends in your pocket and pick being loved over being right.

Rest easy Marilyn.

It's ugly out there

And I don't mean just the weather... although it's realllly getting on my nerves. I have this great big beautiful deck just crying out to be set up and used but the only thing cryin' is the sky.

Chaos reigns in my house again as my new floors are being laid. This is just as bad as doing the last reno - I've got toilets in bath tubs, vanities, dishwashers & stoves in the dining room and an inch of dust from all the cutting everywhere. I've seen more men in my house this last week than I have in the last decade! Hopefully by Friday it'll all be put back together. What a disaster a bit of water can make - everybody make a 'note to self' - check water tank on a regular basis!

An unbelievable loss in my Mets Group community - 9 days after returning home from retreat my friend Cheryle passed away. Our community is well aware that things can change quickly but this has taken my breathe away. Cheryle is an art teacher and took us thru an art exercise that is now more precious than ever. She was so happy and had so much fun on retreat getting to know everyone since she hadn't been coming very long. We, and I include Cheryle here, had no idea things were so precarious. Another lesson is living in the moment.

I've been debating on how much to share about my follow-up appointment and have decided to let the truth prevail. Had a long talk with my new best friend - Chris (the urologist) about this 'n that 'n things 'n stuff. The outcome of it all is that on Friday AM I went back into VGH to have a nephrostomy tube inserted to drain my kidney. Talk about a woman with baggage now!! The hope is that they will be able to do some diagnostic testing on the specimen's that can give some indication of whether or not there is cancer in the ureter. We also discussed the option of taking the right kidney out - which in my mind is not that big a deal (since I'm not having it done right now!) - I have a perfectly good left kidney after all and amazingly you can live with 1/2 kidney - who knew?? Chris said that if I were a perfectly healthy woman that's what he would recommend however, apparently I'm not! So one foot in front of the other. Bone scan this week and next oncology appointment June 1st - I think that will be a significant appt and hoping Irene will be with me.

As always trying to stay in the present. We are looking at this procedure as a temporary measure right now but I can already tell you it's not my favorite thing.

Can't help myself - really want to sign off 'Love - Bag Lady' today!

Stay well my friends.

Rest easy Cheryle

Since the retreat...

Enough of the fun - back to reality! Panic phone calls on my cell from VGH - get in here - get pre-admission done for Wednesday day surgery! Tuesday - 7:30 AM - I'm there. And what a way to start - the gal at the desk flattered the heck out of me over my tasteful little outfit - which I consider just getting dressed in black & white cuz it always works and is really easy @ 6AM! Then the first nurse AGAIN! So I'm good with all those compliments cuz I know I won't be looking that good when I get there Wednesday and really not good when I leave!!

Now down to business - answering the same questions - over and over and over again. I get it, really I do, but jeeze louise.. that info is most definitely in my file already.. and I do know what the surgery is for. A triple-decker by the urologist - let's find out about that blockage. Time of surgery Wednesday - 3:30 PM!! Happy to talk to the anesthesiologist - they won't give the drug that made my heart stop in my last surgery - good to hear! Still a little nervous tho - but I'll get over that when I wake up.

Fast forward to Wednesday - Big Bro picks me up and away we go - more hurry up and wait. Change into my next outfit of the day - blue is so not my color and I prefer pants over dresses but what can you do.. Still not too nervous. Dr. Sam drops by - he's helping Dr. N - who drops by with a backpack on - a backpack!! Puh-leeze, I only elevated you to adult status last week - lose the backpack, get a trendy briefcase. Maybe I'll buy him one if this goes well. So I won't bore you with the details cuz I can't remember but the outcome is this - 2 out of 3 procedures went well however the main reason for this whole thing is to find out what the blockage is and do a biopsy. Well... he couldn't get the scope into the ureter cuz it's so narrow now and thus we're sorta back where we started - other than he thinks there's very little functioning of the right kidney. Which I find odd. Follow-up appointment next week to seek what the next step is. And I will not worry because I can't do anything about it. And he's not getting a new briefcase just yet.

My heart is aching for my friend Susan and her husband Dallas - Susan is really struggling thru the effects of her 2nd TheraSphere treatment - such a brutal treatment - it just has to work. You may not know my friend but if you can include her in your thoughts and healing prayers I know she'll receive them - thank you.

And thank you Big Bro for keeping me sane & safe yesterday.

Stay well my friends.

Getting to know you....

My last couple of weeks were spent putting the final details together for and heading off on another retreat - this time with my 'other' community - the Metastatic Women's Support Group from BCCA. What a time we had! Oh my my - the universe was looking out for us - perfect weather for 3 days in the midst of all the cold, cloudy and rainy days. In my mind the retreat should be call the Women, Wisdom & Wine retreat!! We laughed, we wrote, we 'art-ed', we shared, we laughed, we danced, we meditated, we walked, we ate, and we ate and we ate, and we had the odd glass of wine. Oh yes and we shopped like crazy women on the 40-minute ride to Langdale - who knew the ferry would have such great stuff!! I will one day head back to the Rockwater Secret Cover Resort - it is everything their website say it is - http://rockwatersecretcoveresort.com/ - stayed in a tent suite one night - totally decadent! Service fabulous, right on the ocean, surrounded by Arbutus trees, highly recommended by me! This is the 3rd retreat over 4 years with the Mets Group and an invaluable way to get to know each other in a way that doesn't involve cancer - which is pretty much all we have time to talk about when we meet for 1 1/2 hours twice a month so thank you my friends for inviting me into your lives and sharing your stories and laughter - I love you all!
One of my thank-you gifts from the participants - do they know me well??

Rest easy Candy.
Rest easy Rachel.

Snap... Part 2

I've been feeling 'fired' by this Dr. Manchild who I will now graciously call Dr. N. Two phone messages and two emails since last Thursday and then presto... just like that he called me late yesterday. Not sure who scored on this round - him or me. Dr.'s get respect - why shouldn't patients - I'm just sayin....

Now that we're back on level ground, we conversed - about stuff I really didn't want to know but unfortunatly must deal with. New talk about this 'blockage' in the old ureter/kidney so now we have to determine what it is. Could be a tumour, could be a stone, could be ?? I'm going with a stone - better than a tumour methinks. Now he's in action mode - wants it done ASAP - booking clerk calls 11 am today - I'm booked in May 4th for the procedures - and yes that's plural! Wait a minute, that's the day after I'm supposed to have a colonoscopy. In the theatre of your mind imagine - colonoscopy one day, urinary system invaded the next - not gonna happen!! Which one do I want to do more - tough call if you get my drift. So a date with Dr. N. May 4th it will be - yahoo.

Is this all more information than you need to know?? Such is the life I lead...

Stay well my friends

Rest easy Wayne.

Snap

Lots of things snap - turtles snap, rice krispies snap, suspenders snap, mousetraps snap, you snap your fingers, elastic definitely snaps but me... I never snap. Until this last Thursday. Maybe I was just ornery that day in general but after waiting one hour for the urologist I left. I like to think that I'm a relatively patient person but being a good patient isn't always the easiest job.

C'mon - 60 minutes to anticipate something I really don't want to hear! I understand doctors get behind, I understand that sometime the patient just needs more attention - lord knows I've been there - but how about a little communication. My 10:30 appointment started off well enough - right on schedule they led me to the consultation room, where I sat waiting for 30 minutes with just a large poster of the urinary tract system on the wall for my reading pleasure. Fair enough I guess, he is a urologist after all but how much do I really want to know. Then Dr. oh-my-gawd-you're-just-a-manchild comes in, opens my file and says 'didn't you just have a CT? - yes I replied - 2 weeks ago. At now 11:05 he says well it's not in the file so I'll just go print it off the computer - be right back. Right back turns into another 10 minutes and he pops his head in the doorway - I'm still studying the layout of a male's urinary tract - and says won't be long now. THEN he proceeds to in the next consultation room with another patient. I am now provoked into action - how long is 'won't be long'? I'm no longer in the mood to find out since it's now 11:30 and I've missed my coffee date and could probably draw a urinary tract from memory. So I'm done - I'm gone.

The end of the story you think?? Not so. When I get home there's a message from Dr. Man-child left @ 1:15 pm - is that how long 'won't be long' is? I've calmed down somewhat so I call him back - like he asked. Now another 10 minutes trying to connect with a human voice but no I can't talk to him. Can I leave a message? 'She' replies - he'll probably call you back later - he usually does. No really I'd like to leave a message. 'She' replies - if I see him I'll tell him you called.

And now it's Sunday and guess what - haven't talked to him yet. Maybe Monday.